Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

16 May 2011

:0)

I know, I know.... I'm sure I'll end up needing to take some fuckin' Math For Morons class or something. God knows how much shit they're going to make me re-take. I'll be very interested to hear what the counselor has to say once my transcripts arrive. I'm actually embarrassed to tell you that I did attend college full-time for 4 years, and then part-time for another 2 1/2... yet no degree. Awesome. Yep... I'm a jack-ass. 


I have nothing interesting to report, just a few cute pictures to share. Rory and Leighanna were helping me do another round of scrub & scoop with the pool this afternoon. Check it out...
It's coming along, baby!!!

I'm not sure if you can really tell from the picture, but the water is actually blue now AND you can see to the bottom. SWEEEEEET! Still lots more scrubbin' & scoopin' to do, and we still have to fire up the pump, but I'm feeling pretty optomistic about the pool at this point. I've always been such a water baby, and last summer I got in the pool once. ONCE. Not cool. True, there were a few other things happening. Seriously hoping that this summer will be one filled with laughter & splashes in that damn pool. 

Interesting... I read a snippet of an article about Shania Twain in People yesterday. She was talking about how she felt when she discovered her husband's affair. Her words pierced straight through to my soul. They were the exact things I had experienced, but I had the joy of going through it twice.... first when he left, and then when he died. She said:

"I was ready to die... to go to bed forever and never wake up. Or to hurt someone. I was ready to do something desperate. Fortunately, when you're a mom, the responsibility of caring for your child can keep you going. You have the routine of preparing your child for school in the morning, dragging yourself out of bed, and cheerfully keeping a brave face. Then I slipped back into my pajamas and spent the day in bed, crying and sleeping fitfully."

There was another section that really spoke to me too...

For weeks she barely ate or slept... she never got an explanation from her husband or her friend. "Some days the grief was so all consuming, I'd feel like it was coursing through my veins." And in reference to her friend, she writes: "I hated her. I was disgusted that another woman's lust for a lifestyle upgrade was worth the devastation of my family." Wow. Well said, girl. 

Moving on... Reilly was happily back behind the wheel today and drove us all to soccer practice. 
Young man & excited little boy, all rolled into one!
What can I say? I've got some MAD SWAG, baby!
Oh yeah... I'm drivin'... and the chicks DIG IT!!!!

I love these pics of him... so cute and they really make me laugh. At the same time, they make me very sad. I see so much of David in him, and I see him becoming a young man... without his dad. All I can say about that, is fuck. 

Toodles noodles...
S
Posted by at

2 comments:

  1. RobinTuesday, May 17, 2011 10:20:00 AM

    The pool is looking fab!

    I saw Shania on Oprah and then dvr'd her "Why Not" show on the Oprah channel. She does speak very candidly of the betrayal. I have always enjoyed her music and hope she can "come back". Richard LOVES her...she is the one and only one on Richards list of celebrities he can sleep with if he gets a chance :)

    Great pictures of Reilly!

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nicole MasonThursday, May 26, 2011 12:21:00 AM

    The pool looks excellent!!! I love the sentiments you shared from Shania. She is (obviously) a very gifted storyteller.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)