Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

20 May 2011

Friday.....

Yo nimbobs... thanks for all of the kudos regarding going back to school, but I guarantee you it has NOTHING to do with 'guts'. This is pure desperation, people. It has become crystal clear to me as I've searched for a job, lo these many months... that I will NEVER be able to support my family if I don't get some sort of education to help me out.  In 3 years, Reilly's social security benefits are taken away... a few years later, mine will be gone, and then Rory's when he's 18. I had to go and fall in love with a fuckin' blue collar redneck instead of gettin' myself a sugar daddy. Well shit. That wasn't a very well thought out plan, was it??? I'm almost positive it will take me longer than the 3 years this whole thing is supposed to take. One year for the pre-requisites, and two more for the nursing program. The problem is that they suggest you DO NOT work during the RN program because it is so rigorous and time consuming. Fuck! If you think I have the tiniest clue as to how we will survive financially if I actually see this thing through, then you are dead wrong. I don't know how I'm going to handle these 2 classes in the summer... don't even get me started thinking about doing during the school year... sports, support groups, class projects... all of it. I'm scared out of my mind. 


I mean, shit. As it is now, I'm barely keeping my head above water, and I don't have a job. I'm taking dogs out at midnight and folding laundry or doing dishes at 2 a.m. I don't have time to sit down... when, exactly, am I supposed to study??? Ugh. I'm starting to give myself a tummy ache. 


We all went to the lacrosse end-of-season party tonight. It was a bbq at one of the lax family's spectacular home. It was supposed to thunderstorm all afternoon and evening, but it ended up being absolutely beautiful. The couple of people I am friendly with weren't there, so that was kind of a bummer. The good news is that they had a trampoline... the 3 little kids had a BLAST. 
 3 nerdlies. 
My dude gettin' some serious air.

The kids jumped for HOURS... pretty sure they'll sleep soundly tonight. =) I think I mentioned that we've been having crazy rain.... I mean weeks of it... flooding everywhere. Last night Rory had his final grief group for the school year and Reilly was at work, so Finn took the little ones to Harper's Ferry, just for fun. Do you remember this picture?
Right where he was laying is now under 12 feet of water. Can you believe that??? The river isn't supposed to crest until tomorrow night, but they're saying that it will be above these train tracks:
You could say that's going to cause a wee problem in Harper's Ferry... yikes! Guess I'd better hit it... soccer game at noon tomorrow in Purcellville. FYI... Reilly TOTALLY loved his first shift at VIP yesterday. I think he's going to do really well there. More good news? The manager Zane told him it will be easy for him to pick up extra shifts. He said that people are always wanting to leave early, come about 3:30, so Rei should make a habit of walking up there to see if he can relieve someone. Sweet! Hope you enjoy the weekend. Nite nite.

S


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