Yep. I'm in a shitty ass, piss poor mood. Just frustrated and tired, I guess. First of all, I love our Jayden... but this early weekend morning wake up shit is getting OLD. It certainly doesn't help that there is no reprieve in sight. I told you the kids are never going back to Finn's grandma's, and Krissy couldn't be less interested in spending time with her kids. She flat-out told Finn yesterday that she's working every weekend for the next month. And let's not forget... when she had them 2 weeks ago, it was for about 30 whole hours. Stupid fucking whore. It probably wouldn't make me quite as insane if she was at least helping out financially. I don't understand the dynamic Finn has with her... he seems to just let everything go & not push her. He's not a confrontational person, so maybe that's where it comes from. But it make s me FUCKING NUTS!!!!!
I spent the whole day sweating like a pig while cleaning.... inside & outside.Finn spent a couple hours trimming the huge bushes by the pool equipment, while I moved patio furniture, scrubbed & scooped the pool, and picked up random shit in the yard. Then I got busy on the inside. It was that horrible kind of cleaning... the hands and knees scrubbing kind, that NO ONE will notice but me. I HATE that!!!!!
It certainly didn't help that the humidity showed up today. Fucking hell.... it's gonna be a long damn summer with the nasty ass weather out here. NOT looking forward to it. I had to close everything up and turn on the air. :( I miss not having the fresh air blow through the house, but I can't stand to be sticky and sweaty in my own home. I've bumped up the temp a few degrees to save on electric, so it's not nearly as cool as I'd like it to be. Finn thinks I'm ridiculous... like David, he grew up in a house in Maryland with no a/c. I swear to Christ... I have no idea how they even lived to tell the tale!!! It gets positively unbearable... some days, just walking from the house to the car is enough to make you want to keel over. And it's only just begun. Fuck.
Finn and the kids spent much of yesterday at his parent's house & Leilei ended up spending the night. He got home with Jayden & put him straight to bed, so we actually got to go see a movie. I had to drive like a bat outta hell to make it to the 9:30 show, but we got there with about 3 minutes to spare. We saw "Bridesmaids"... laughed our asses off. A definite must-see. Lots of good things coming up this summer too, according to the previews.
Reilly had his first whole day at work today... 7 am-4pm. He called me to come get him at lunch, as he'd forgotten to take food with him. He was exhausted, and it was only noon. He said,"I've been scrubbing cages for an hour! My arms hurt SO bad!!!" My reply was, "welcome to my world." When he asked what I meant by that, I told him he may work at a kennel, but our whole fucking house is a kennel! Add to that, I have 6 people after whom I have to clean up too!!!! He actually said the words... "I'll stop complaining now." I'm gonna savor that one.
Wanna know another reason I'm pissed? Chances are basically slim to none (and Slim left 10 minutes ago) that I'll have hot water to shower tonight, and I'm a filthy pig... aaaggghhhhh!!!!!
SO tired.... SO grumpy... shit! So much for the weekend. I hope you're in a FAR better mood than I am.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
I certainly don't miss those early mornings when my kids used to get up at the ass crack of dawn. But it sure seems other things seem to get us up early enough. After Jenna's sleepover...I really need to go to bed early tonight for sure.
ReplyDeleteToo bad you didn't record that conversation with Reilly...maybe he will learn to appreciate all that you do :)
aot
r~
Hey Shannon;
ReplyDeleteIf you are under the impression that Jayden and Leila's Mom is even remotely capable of being a spiteful bitch then you could argue quite rightly that Finn should not bring little Jayden into your bed at night.
One slip from Jayden about it and that bitch could call CPS and you both would have no leg to stand on at all. Just saying that is all.
So for your sanity and the fact that bringing the little one into your bed is sort of a lazy way of dealing with the issue and perhaps he should put a cot into Jayden's room so that Jayden can be put back in his bed when he gets up. Watch an episode of Super Nanny - OH MY GOD! Would not want to deal with that crap. It is in the best interest of all of you that Jayden sleep in his own bed at night.
Tread lightly on Jayden's Mom's lack of support. For one thing - It can come back to haunt you in oh so many ways and it is Finn's problem. You would just come off as a bitch for bringing it up and constantly nagging about it.
Sorry to be so obtuse about it. Nothing but love for you really Shannon.
Yeah best case senerio is for you not to work and go to school but most nursing students could not handle a mile in your shoes and you are strongly motivated to complete the training so I think it would be in your best interest to work as a nursing assistant or what ever you can - plus - you may make a great impression and find you will get some great info - mentors along the way and possibly job contacts so I would not avoid working. It may take a little longer for your program but you have a family to support and that is part of the solution to some of your problems you face in regard to lack of funding.
Keeping you in prayer sister Shannon
Much Love
Caroline