Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

23 May 2011

Pissed

What a treat to be seething with rage by 4:30 a.m. Awesome. Fuckin' Jayden again. I don't know why, but Finn took the side off his crib the other day. Hellllooooo.... he's NOT climbing out and he's not even 3 yet!!! Obviously, the kid now has a free pass to get out of his bed whenever he wants to. Making things worse is that when he does do that, Finn brings him in bed with us. Uh... no. I had TWO kids that were HORRIBLE sleepers and we never, EVER brought them into our bed. NOT ONCE. The first time either of my kids slept in my bed was after David died. Rory was clearly struggling and that's a completely different situation. If a kid got up and needed attention, we'd either go into their room, or take 'em down to the family room. No need for BOTH adults to be awake. Adding to my explosive anger is the fact that I am raising that stupid whore's kids while she's off counting ceiling tiles and not contributing to their care in any way. I told Finn this morning that I want her fuckin' phone number. From now on, if WE'RE awake, SHE'S gonna be awake too. Stupid bitch. Clearly, Finn is mad about the situation too, but he seems to be mad at me. Great. I'm not looking forward to this evening.... let's just say we'll be having a SERIOUS come to Jesus discussion about the kids & that stupid bitch's need to start ponying up some cash NOW. 


Of course, that early morning surprise has fucked up the start to the day. I have SO much trouble sleeping.... once I'm awake, I'm awake. So I was up intil about 6:15, passed out, and must have turned off my alarm in my sleep-deprived stupor. I woke with a start at 7:20. We need to leave the house at 7:30. Try getting yourself, 3 kids and 4 dogs taken care of in 10 minutes. It's not pretty. 


I continue to be so overwhelmed by the reality that is my life, that I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm so tired of being tired... so tired of being sad... so tired of being scared shitless... I'm just tired of it all. I guess that's why I keep getting fatter... stuffing my face in a pathetic attempt to quiet the screaming in my head... if only for a few minutes. 


Time

I can't explain
Can't quite put my finger on it
The difference that makes us so different.
We've said everything
Our words only betrayed us
Nothing is left... nothing was left unsaid.

This time, I have nothing left to lose
I'm stuck, the second hand won't move
It's about time that I speak my mind
It's about time, about time to find pieces of me I have lost,
Without any choice I move on.
Hey time, you're no friend of mine.

You cover yourself, you cover your skin
You cover yourself like to cover your sins
Please untie my hands,
I'm a sinner, I'm a man
I ask for one minute, to make you understand

This time, I have nothing left to lose
I'm stuck, the second hand won't move
It's about time that I speak my mind
It's about time, about time to find pieces of me I have lost
Without any choice I move on
Hey time, you're no friend of mine.

Will you be there
To catch me, when I stumble, when I fall
When I fall

It's so very clear
You left me when I had no one at all
No one at all

Who will be there
To catch me, to catch me when I stumble
When I fall, when I fall
It's so very clear
You left me with no one at all
No one at all

This time, I have nothing left to lose
I'm stuck, the second hand won't move
It's about time that I speak my mind
It's about time, about time to find pieces of me I have lost
Without any choice I move on
Hey time, you're no friend of mine
Hey time, you're no friend of mine

The pieces of me I have lost
Without any choice I move on

Time
Time, you're no friend of mine. 

-Creed

Fuckin' hell... I hope this day gets better.

S
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