Hey cheesies... wazzup? I know I mentioned that I'm becoming a jiggly tub o' goo again. I'm getting to the club as often as I can... some days I still have death biz that keeps me from getting there, and other days I just can't get motivated. But I'm doing what I can. Last week KK & I worked out together and ran into a friend of hers that was singing the praises of the club spin classes. They offer a bazillion classes there, but I've never taken one. Not sure why, as I do love dance, step, etc. Anyhoo, I had the bright idea to suggest to Katy that we meet for the spin class yesterday morning. I am SUCH an asshole!!! Oh. My. God. Let's just say that the people who are spin addicts are freaks. They are NOT human. I skimmed over the class list, just to get an idea about what else they offer. I noticed that some classes are 45 minutes, some 50, etc. Well wouldntcha know, I discovered that this particular class was an hour, AFTER I was already on the bike. Son of a bitch. I'm not sure how, but I actually did make it through the entire class. I did not escape unscathed, however... I believe I posted on Facebook that "I now know what it feels like to be gang banged by a pack of wild Clydesdales." Seriously... not good. Now I know why Lance Armstrong got testicular cancer... his balls hurt so much that they went and got themselves cancerified in the hopes that they'd be cut off and set free. Sadly... one ball remains. Poor little nut. :( Actually though, that reminds me of a story about him. First of all, I don't know if you've read much about him, but it's a fuckin' miracle that he's alive. True, ball cancer (as David liked to call it) is highly treatable... but only with early detection. Lance had it for a long while before being diagnosed... in fact, it had spread to several other spots, including his brain. Do you know why it took so long for him to be diagnosed??? Because riding his bike everyday meant that his balls were always hurting him. It never even occurred to him to bring it up to a doctor... he'd been experiencing ball/ass agony for YEARS!!! I don't know about you, but if I tried out a new sport and really liked it... even if I was good at it... if it meant feeling like a new porn starlet after her first DP scene everyday, I think I'd move on to something else. But hey... that's just me.
Believe it or not, I did go back to the club today and I even rode a bike. I stuck with the recumbent though... not really interested in having that little seat crammed in my nether-region again any time soon.
At the moment I'm feeling icky. A little tummy flare-up that's been coming and going for a few days. I can't possibly pinpoint the exact reason for the episodes anymore... I eat the same few things every single day, so it's not food-related. That means it's stress-related. Okay, well that just doesn't narrow it down at all!!! I'm juggling so many stressors right now, and generally, a new one or two pop up just about every day. In fact, here's one for ya... got a letter yesterday from my wills, trusts & estates attorney. She is officially ceasing to be my representative in about 14 different lawsuits against David's estate. Why, you might ask??? She stated that it's because she can't get a hold of me. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!!! The last time I got a bill from her, she charged me 75 bucks to read an e-mail... 150 clams to take a phone call. Why in the FUCK would I want to be in touch with you????? Her associate, Eileen, was the one who worked with me for a couple years. She was very good to me and I know she did a lot of work for me that she didn't bill me for. All of a sudden back in October, she was gone from the firm... and I've been treated like shit & billed to the hilt ever since. Shocker. Just one more pain in the ass to add to my list.
So yep... tummy funk. I should be up making dinner, but I really need to lay here for a bit. Hope you're having a good one.
xoxo
S
***I want to send out extra special love & hugs to my Dad & Miss Mary. They lost one of their beloved German Shepherds last Friday. His name was Bubba and he had cancer. They love all of their dogs, but Bubba was extra special. I'm so, so sorry. Fuckin' cancer. Thinking of you. xoxoxo
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
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