Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

16 May 2011

Ney noodles...

Wazzup chicken butts? I'm very happy to report that I got my fat ass to the club this morning. Yes... I am expanding rapidly, and me NO likey. KK met me there this morning and we're planning to meet tomorrow too. It's SO much easier when you have someone to talk to. Plus, if I know she's meeting me, I won't make an excuse not to go! I've been doing the stress eating thing again... fuckin' hell. There doesn't seem to be much middle ground with me as far as eating goes. Either I'm stressed to the max and stuffing my face, or I'm sick to my stomach with worry and can't eat a damn thing. WTF??? 


We didn't end up going anywhere last night... the little ones were just too out of sorts after their ordeal. We all played outside for hours, and my Finn cooked a big dinner for everyone. Have I mentioned that he is an ANGEL??? The poor slob... he got seriously tortured at bedtime. I don't know what the fuck was happening up at grandma's, but Jayden was positively traumatized and literally screamed for 2 1/2 hours. He was terrified to go to bed. Finn stayed  in his room the whole time... not holding him... just trying to calm him and reassure him that daddy was there. So much for us trying to get all of the kids down early last night... sheesh! When the baby finally fell asleep, he went out to work on the jeep and blow off some steam. He's prepping it for paint... Viper Yellow is the color. Just having it painted that color should fetch and extra couple grand for it. :0) He took a minute to send Krissy a very short and to-the-point text... "I hate you." I thought it was hilarious and actually showed great restraint. She immediately started calling and texting with 'what did I do' "what's your problem', 'you're an asshole' etc. Jeez... lemme think... maybe I hate you because you're such an immature, irresponsible whore that I can't even count on you to help me raise OUR KIDS!!! I'm doing this alone, working my ass off, and you won't even throw me a few bucks, you stupid bitch!!! He didn't say any of that... in fact, he didn't even reply to her... but that's what he was thinking! I realize that money can't buy happiness, but having a bit more of it would certainly give both of us a lot more peace of mind. 


I know you peeps keep telling me not to even think about the troll and cactus, but I can't help it. As D's bills continue to roll in and the expenses keep piling up, it makes me INSANE that they OWN... FREE & CLEAR, by the way... THREE homes, 2 of which they never use. True, one is an RV, but it's worth over a 100 grand. And the house in Maryland? It just sits empty. They haven't even stayed there in almost 2 years. I'm sure it sounds selfish, but I just want to scream... 'sell one of those fuckin' things and help us out!!!! PLEASE!!!!!' 


Ugh... enough about them. Got my daily shiz to do... guess I'd better scramble. Make it a good one. 


xoxo
S
Here's a cute one for ya' from last week. :0) 
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1 comment:

  1. ToniMonday, May 16, 2011 7:46:00 PM

    Old Winter Warlock put one foot in front of the other and layed some ugly weather on us. Crafty bastard. I mean is it May or January? How is a girl supposed to get anything done in this gloomy environment??? "wildly inappropriate", hmmm, I don't even want to know the dealio on that. 100% on your placement, you geniass!! And Reilly, good for him!! Executive in Charge of Redirecting Shit. Time to head home, T.

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