Yes. If you have a measureable IQ, you can see that I'm still in the funk. No tears today... just blah. I volunteered in Rory's class and then came home & got in bed for a few hours. At least I have an excuse this time... I don't think I slept a full hour last night. It doesn't seem that there are enough mood-altering drugs on the planet to stop the screaming inside my head. And before you start to flip out.... NO, I'm not REALLY hearing voices.... just trying to paint you a picture.
I have to give a HUGE shout out to my ToJo... I read your post last night and laughed out loud. SEVERAL times. Finn will be so pleased to know that his lovely descriptive phrase 'cum bubble' stuck with you. :0) In any case, I was in desperate need of a laugh, so thanks girl. Interesting that you brought up the domestic partnership thing. I actually researched it a bit during Christmas break. There's another thing called a civil union that I was reading about too. Now don't go gettin' all of your undies in a wad... we're not getting married, but it's certainly something we've talked about. I know that my mudda will be hugely relieved to know that I CAN'T get married, unless I'm willing to give up my spousal death benefits. It's only $1300 a month, but it's 1300 bucks without which, we cannot survive. My benefits will continue until Rory is 16. Nice, huh? I guess that means I don't have to do any actual parenting between 16 and 18. The laws on the books are fairly vague as to SSI Death Benefits and how they are affected by domestic partnership and civil union. I'd have to ask one of my FIVE attorneys to get clarification if it ever came to that. Finn is such a love... the DAY that I was dropped from my health insurance, he said we should get married so the kids and I could get on his plan. VERY sweet, but I'd like to get married for reasons OTHER than needing insurance.
I also want to remind those of you who might be cringing at the very mention of the M word. Yes, David only died 6 months ago, but he left me more than a year before that. In many ways, for me at least, he died on June 6th of 2009. And no, there's no reason to rush. I just detest calling him my 'boyfriend'. I've had boyfriends, and he is SO much more than that. We have blended our families... we're raising our children together... what do we call that? I certainly feel the pain of my gay friends... 'partner'... 'life-partner'... what a bunch of bullshit. Love is love. Just let people get married and mind your own fuckin business. I'll have to come up with something though, cuz 'partner' is SO not working for me. His idiot ex refers to me as his 'sugar mama'.... if she only knew! Heeeelarious!!!
He's actually meeting with her right now to drop off Jayden for the weekend. She's supposed to come down to get Leilei after school tomorrow, but we'll see if that happens. I hope for Leighanna's sake that it does. Here's a hint that this chick is a bonafide MORON. She has continued to remain 'facebook friends' with Finn's mom. Not really a good idea if you're going to be out getting hammered and whoring it up every night, and then posting the details and pictures on FB. Let's just say that when his mom called the other day with this info, Finn was LESS than pleased. He and Krissy had a lil chat, and the plan for this weekend was born. She hasn't had them for a full 24 hours anytime in recent memory. We'll see how long it is before she calls and says she's had enough.
Time to feed the monkey butts. Later.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
No judgement here!
ReplyDeleteAs long as your happy, I don't give a Fat F who you are living with. As long as it doesn't fart excessively in public! Belching doesn't help, but it's not a deal breaker. Marry when your ready and for the right reasons. If it ain't broke don't fix it. I bet if Brangelina got married they would be divorced within the year. They know what they're doing and it isn't our business.
I know you'll get out of this funky fog soon. You get to have a wonderful weekend with your Finn.
Sense of humor intact. Peeps, I am happy to report she will be alright. Love u Shan. L. To
ReplyDeleteACRONYM...................what can I say? Vertical and one brain cell left, success!! Oh, and how about some of these "word verifications"?? Hee. Great pickins' thar! L. Dumbass
ReplyDelete