Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

02 January 2011

And so it begins....

Hey monkeys.... yes, I realize that it's the 2nd, so the New Year actually began yesterday, but my New Year really begins tomorrow. Yep.... starting my job. I'm not feeling much about it at the moment, but I'm fairly certain that I'll be nervous as a tick come tomorrow morning. It's not like I'll be doing neuro surgery... it's just a matter of learning how the office runs and getting comfortable enough so that I don't have to ask questions every 30 seconds.  I have a fairly large desk... forgot to ask if I'm allowed to bring in personal items. It's a pretty stark area, so I'm hoping I can at least have a couple of pics. 


Yesterday was definitely the best New Year's Day in my recent memory. We all stayed in our jammies for the entire day. I never get tired of jammie days. :0) We watched Freaky Friday with the kids... the remake, though I love the original too... everyone took naps... probably the best part of the day for me. Snoozing tangled up with my sweet Finn.... it doesn't get much better than that. I made a ginormous batch of hot crab and artichoke dip. Crab dip is one of Finn's all-time faves and I was hoping he would love it. He did NOT. Boooooo!!!! He liked it, but he's a spicy guy... the hotter the better... and mine is not a spicy recipe. The other problem is that the moron is from Maryland. Why does that matter, you ask? Because these mid-atlantic native bozos have been raised on blue crabs. FYI... blue crabs taste like SHIT!!!! Hellloooooo.... the ONLY acceptable crab is Alaskan King Crab!!! That shit ROCKS!!! I'm sure I'm gettin' your dander up if you're a blue crab lover. Boo fuckin hoo. All I can tell you is that your taste buds are BROKEN if you like that crap. Yep... I said it! Deal with it!!!


The other bonus of the past few days is that the boys have been getting along beautifully. When they don't, it's generally Reilly's fault. That may sound harsh, but it's true. It continues to boggle my mind that with 8 years between them, he regularly finds ways to tease and torture his brother. It doesn't help that Rory is particularly fragile right now... very clingy, often weepy... Reilly sees that and goes right for his jugular. What a butt plug. I'm working really hard to help him through the clingy and weepy episodes.... he needs CONSTANT reassurance that I love him... hugs, kisses, rocking together in his rocking chair, having serious seperation anxiety, etc. The thing I'm trying NOT to indulge though, is the ridonculous case of the whineys he's got right now. I know it's all part of his grieving process, but I don't want him to get into a pattern where that becomes his way of dealing with things. It's alot like dealing with Reilly when he's being a complete asshole. 'My dad died, I'm pissed'.... boo hoo. Again, he needs to be allowed to experience all of the feelings that he's having, but he doesn't get a free pass to be a dick. And lemme tell ya.... it's a fine line to walk. It's fucking exhausting!!! Have I mentioned how desperately I miss my support group???? My girl Laura has talked to Jenny (the social worker who moderates the kids' grief groups) about putting together a support group for the parents through Life With Cancer. Holy fuckballs... that would be FABULOUS. It's so incredibly helaing to learn that you are not alone in your struggle to parent your children through their grief. We've started a little impromptu support group... we share and vent while the kids are in group... but having a moderator would help immensely. 


I think I need to do some planning tonight.... get my ducks in a row as far as meals are concerned, etc. I know I'm not going to be working full-time, but it's still going to be a transition for me. And it kinda blows that I'm starting on the kids' first day back to school. Getting back into that routine always sucks donkey balls on it's own... now I have to add in getting my shiz ready for work. Eew. But hey, I am SUPREMELY thankful that I finally GOT a job, and I'm thrilled that I get to wear scrubs. Professional attire would SO not work for me... pantyhose are against my religion! I think the last time I actually wore hose was when I was in Wendi's wedding. I think that was in November of 1994!!! 


I'm off to Costco to get some groceries for the week. I'm all by my lonesome and I DO love hittin' the Costco on my own. The only thing I would like more, would be to be out and about with my Finn. He makes everything fun... what a goofball. Me luvvvvvves him. :0) Enjoy the last day of break. 


xoxo
S


"Let joy keep you. Reach out your hands and catch it when it runs by". 
-Carl Sandburg


With my birthday boy. :0)
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4 comments:

  1. ~Mom~Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:48:00 PM

    Happy New Year ....
    I really mean it!
    You have a new 7 year old...OMG!
    Looking forward to this new forum. I need to figure out how to get it to alert my cell phone. Every time you post, I think of you if I can't get to a computer fast enough. Still trying to save up for an IPAD. I want the 64gb with the internet. Eeesh! They want mega $$$ for that shiz. What was the name of that accessory store to get the cheap Ipad stuff?
    Have a great week.
    Love, AN

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  2. Have2CruiseSunday, January 02, 2011 1:09:00 PM

    Hey Miss Sunshine!
    Glad to hear that your new year is off to a rocking good start. I love those lazy days every now and again. Glad to see that you are moving over to the new site. One comment about it...the pink on pink font was a little hard to read. Now it could be my eyes are going, but I thought I would give you that little bit of feedback.

    Our year is off to a good start. We spent yesterday at Brad's BFF's place where they were having a Scooby Doo marathon. I didn't know there were so many Scooby movies!! Anyway there were only two kids in the room the rest were adults all reliving their childhood while stretched out on chairs and couches watching Scooby. It was great!

    Today I'm off to meet up with a group of women and we are going to spend the afternoon putting Dream (Vision) boards together. This should help me focus on my 2011 goals. I'm looking forward to the time out of the house and spending time with a group of women, at this stage I only know one of them. So that will be a good experience too.

    I hope LWC gets the parent support group going. What an awesome concept and you will all get so much out of the group. I miss our group so much.

    Well we think we have discovered another sign of aging with my mum-in-law and hopefully it is not the sign of any health issues. Last night I dug out some gorgeous deep purple and yellow yarn (think JMU colors) to make my stepson a throw rug for his new condo that would be something to remind him of his days at JMU. My mum-in-law thought the purple yarn was black. I put the yarn directly under the light and against something she had that was black and she then thought it was dark brown. We started pointing out other things around the room that were different shades of purple and she thought they were all brown...including my nail polish! She could easily distinguish red and blue as separate colors but when she saw them mixed she sees brown. I'm crushed as purple is one of my favorite colors and now whenever I wear it she will think I'm wearing brown!! YUCK!!! there are some people who can wear brown and it looks fab on them...I'm not one of those people. I look YUCK in brown. Of course it makes us wonder if it is just the color concept part of her eyesight that is going or is it an indication that something more serious could be lurking. Of course if we even mention getting her eyes tested she will pull out her "I'm invincible and nothing is wrong with me" attitude and refuse to have any tests done as it will be a waste of her time and the doctors.

    Oh on a bright note...my bro- and sis-in-laws got a new addition to their family on New Year's Eve. They were given a 10 week old Siberian Husky pup. She is all white with hints of tan. Has one blue and one amber eye. Is very cute and cuddly and they have called her Tasha. We spent some time at their store on Friday meeting Tasha and she was so sweet. I wanted to take her home with us so Gus would have a playmate. Unfortunately, since we are not in our own house that was not an option. But we can go to the store whenever Brian is there to see her. He will be taking Tasha to work with him everyday and she will become the mascot for his petfood store. I told him Tasha should have her own blog where she can talk about food, treats, toys, etc that she likes. He is going to think about it. But she will soon be gracing the website and any advert stuff that he decides to do. I will see if I can get a photo of her the next time we are down there. She is soo cute!!

    Well must away time to get ready to go.

    Love Helen

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  3. Sue TwisselmannSunday, January 02, 2011 2:38:00 PM

    We had a jammie day to get our 2011 off to a rockin' start, too! LOVE IT!!!!! And as you know from FB, I'm off to look for a new couch today! Yippee-kye-ay!!! Sooo friggin' excited!!! The couch we are replacing is a ten-and-a-half year old brown leather sectional. We have loved it for many years. I have despised it for about four! It was somewhat low to start with, but as the years went by and it wore down, it got lower and lower! Getting out of it now is like getting up off the floor! The back cushions have been restuffed more times than I can remember and they still are squished and misshapen. Not to mention, out of the blue three years ago, one of my idiot dogs decided to see how it tasted! Stupid mutt chewed a one foot section clean off the side of the couch!! I still haven't forgiven her! Soooo...send some awesome new couch vibes my way!

    Good luck at your new job tomorrow...I know you'll be fantastic!
    Love & AOT, Sue

    ReplyDelete
  4. future author from VacavilleTuesday, January 04, 2011 1:42:00 AM

    LOL! Pantyhoes are against MY religion too!

    ReplyDelete

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