And I mean that in the NICEST possible way. But seriously folks... now up to 987 views and only a measely 14 followers???? Puhllllleeeeeez!!!! You can even make up a fake profile name. Don't worry... Big Brother won't come and getcha because you read my lil ol' blog!!!
Mamasan safely on the airplane.... kiddos snug in their beds... all of my shiz ready to go for tomorrow... now all I have to do is wait and worry!!! It'll only be the first week or two that'll be rough... lots o' shit to learn... after that, I have NO DOUBT that I'll fuckin' ROCK that bitch. I just hope I don't fuck up too badly in the interim!
My plan is to take the first graders to school, hit the club and THEN go to work. If I actually STICK to that plan, I'll be mighty pleased with myself. I think my Finn is making me a wee bit TOO happy, cuz I'm starting to get a little jiggly again. NOT good.... me NO likey!!! Why can't I be happy AND thin??? What the fuck is THAT about??? It's either fat and happy, or thin and on the verge of eating a bullet. At least my butt still looks good... it's the ol tummy that's showing the pudge. Ugh... gross. Katy and I have been meeting each other at the club first thing in the morning as often as possible, but it's not enough. I seem to find reasons NOT to go if I know she's not going to be waiting for me. DAMN her for working her arse off to become Northern Virginia's MOST fabulous insurance magnate!!! By the way Miss KK, I need ALL puppy deets IMMEDIATELY!!!! The pictures were positively precious. I would have LOVED to have had some snuggle time with those wee ones. :0)
Only 12 hours until I'll be at work... let the thumb twiddling and toe tapping commence. Wish me luck!
xoxo
S
"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."
-St. Francis De Sales
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
02 January 2011
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Trying to post a comment but it wants to create a blog and thats not what I want to do
ReplyDeleteWhy do I have to choose a profile in order to post a comment. Then it wants me to sign into it but not my email. IDK