So it's clear that I need to do something to pull myself out of this funk. But of course, since I'm in DIRE need of some inspiration, I couldn't find any of my favorite books this morning. I fuckin ripped the house apart to lay my hands on the ones that have really spoken to me, to no avail. Here's a little something I came across though:
THANKFULNESS
"Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn't learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn't learn a little,
at least we didn't get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn't die;
so let us all be thankful."
-Buddha
Yes, I am certainly thankful to be on THIS side of the grass. Pushin' up daisies doesn't exactly sound appealing. Although, hiding somewhere far away from my children sounded like a mighty good idea this morning. Holy shit. Some days they just fuckin KILL me. Rory woke up in a great mood... happy, silly and being goofy. And then he flipped the switch. His emotions are SO raw that he swings from one extreme to another in the blink of an eye. He was screaming... and I mean SCREAMING... a total banshee. All because he was frustrated about not being able to get his shoes on. Ugh. And Reilly was even helping him. Often Reilly is just a giant assbag in the morning, but today he was really being helpful. That is, until Rory flipped.... then Reilly flipped. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick... learn how to control yourself dude! He's 7.... you're 15... take a chill!!! The only one who was perfectly behaved was Leighanna. I made sure to sing her praises once we got in the car. I wanted to ensure the boys heard me telling her what a great job she did getting ready this morning and how proud I was of her. Yep... sometimes the BOYS are the moody ones!!!
Both Rory & Leilei's classes are going on a field trip to a farm today. It was rescheduled from sometime in December and I signed up back then to chaperone. Well fuck. SO not interested in dealing with screamin' mimi for 3 hours DURING the school day. Great. Whatevs.
Auntie Nut... I MUST address your comment last night. I may have a filthy mouth... nastier than most sailors... but there is a particular word that I don't allow to be uttered in my home, or even in my presence for that matter. The F word... no, not fuck.... the OTHER f word. And if I won't let anyone say the word, you can be SURE that I don't allow the activity!!! Eeeeeeew!!!! Nasty!!!! Disgusting!!!! And did you ACTUALLY mention those skeezbags Brad and Angelina in comparison to my Finn et moi???? I may have to smack you for that one. You know I'm all about NO judgement.... unless of course, you happen to be a movie star... then you're fair game. Those two make me wanna fuckin puke. He is a douchebag for cheating on his wife, and she's just a dirty, home-wrecking whore. They make me SICK. I never really got her... never found her appealing. But Brad? I used to LOVE him. Remember 'Ledgends of the Fall'? One of the greatest movies ever. Loved it... loved him... but once you cheat on your wife? That's it. We're done. So, my beloved Auntie Nut, it's a good thing that I positively adore you.... I wouldn't want to have to fly out there just to open up a can of whoop ass on you. :0)
Guess I'd better get crackin'. Being a workin' woman now, Friday is the only day I have to run errands and I only have a little time because of this damn fieldtrip. Grrrrr.
OUR LEGACY
"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."
-White Elk
Make it a good one. Love ya.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey Miss Sunshine,
ReplyDeleteI hope today is a better day for you. Getting to chaperon munchkins should definitely help! :)
Anyway enough about that...I came across a list called "10 Thoughts on Whole Living" and thought you might like some of what is in there:
1. Don't mistake predictability for peace: some of life's most important moments are born out of chaos.
2. Strength is defined not by what you can resist, but by how much you can expand.
3. While prayer may not change a situation, it may change the way you experience it.
4. Eating a warm meal nourishes the body; preparing is nourishes the soul.
5. Try to see your family for who they are, not who they were (or weren't).
6. Find reasons and ways to give. It'll make you happier than you expect.
7. The best escape is to let yourself become absorbed from time to time.
8. If you feel hungry, ask yourself what you're really craving.
9. You'll gain more by facing up to fear than you will by running away.
10. Creativity isn't just making something from scratch, but seeing potential in what already exists.
Hope you have a super fantastic sparkling weekend!
Love Helen
Hi, Shannon.
ReplyDeleteMy posts do not seem to be going through. Don't know why. I have posted at least two.
Kadi
Yay...got your attention.....
ReplyDeleteStay (I know it's an everyday struggle) on the bright side!.
I love you girlie.
Yes...you are the only one I will allow to
whoop me.
xoxox
Here's one. Not original but true..........."Life's a bitch and then you die." OR "Only three things are for sure, taxes, death and trouble." As you can see I am in a "great" mood myself. Have a weekend. L. To
ReplyDelete