I just LOVE that one little e-mail can plunge me back into the depths of hell. I sobbed and sobbed last night.... can't remember the last time I cried like that. The absence of tears has been quite a welcome change. I guess that's over for a while. I was crying for a lot of reasons.... I cried with intense sadness for David. Even with all that has transpired, there are ways in which I still feel very protective of him. Knowing how hard he worked to build that company, and how proud he was of all that they had accomplished... my heart just broke for him. He would be shattered to see it run into the ground like this. Especially at Hank's hands. Knowing that Hank was on board and that he understood David's vision, gave him some peace at the end of his life. I am completely sickened that they all just gave up and have no problem walking away. David had made quite a name for himself and for SDSI in the satellite engineering community. There were a couple of very specific disciplines of which he was one of only two experts on the face of the earth. Seriously. He was very well-known, well-respected, and his genius was in great demand.
I cried over the betrayal by Hank. Yes, he has done some shady things since David died, but I always believed that deep down, he was the man that David and I believed him to be. Not so.
I cried for my boys. David made a lot of mistakes, especially in the final year of his life. But the one place where he reigned supreme and did everything right was in his professional life. The boys were so proud of their dad and were fascinated by the thought recognition software he was developing. He even made plans with the son of his earliest mentor to continue his research. I feel like his legacy has been stolen from them.
And I cried for myself. Though I learned several months ago that there would never be a big cash pay-out because of the way the corporate documents were structured, I had hoped to at LEAST get some help with health insurance. Right now I'm spending $800 a month on just that. I was praying that I would get some relief in that department. Now I know that it's not to be. Ever. And the fact that I'm working now? Big fuckin deal. I only earn enough to pay HALF of that health insurance bill. Kinda makes the whole job thing seem pretty fuckin' pointless.
The only upside to this whole debacle is that my guts have hit the skids once again. Maybe I'll lose a few pounds. Better get going to work. Why? Not exactly sure.
Fuck.
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Just wanted you to know I hear you. L. To
ReplyDeleteis there anyway your job might have enough hours for you to get any coverage through them?
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
I like the idea about firing Hank. Is that a possibility if you're the majority shareholder? There is something weird going on with this whole thing. Your lawyer needs to be a ballbreaker and get to the bottom of this.
ReplyDeleteSorry...I know you don't need to be told this. I'm just so frustrated for you :(
I totally get why you feel that way about why bother working but don't give up. This job seems PERFECT for you. Perfect hours, nice staff who immediately love you, potential for growth, etc. And don't forget, you get to wear pink scrubs. And you look darn cute in your picture wearing your scrubs. ;)
Hang in there, Shan. You have come through soooo much and you will continue to fight your way through. Thank God you have Finn to come home to!
Love you bunches!
Bon
Cancer does so much more than take the ones we love away. It sweeps away everything you have and everything you hope to have. FUCKING CANCER!
ReplyDeleteShannon, keep rebuilding. Whatever YOU make is YOURS!
xoxox
Auntie Nut
Hi Shan, lunch time. In California, if you file the paperwork for a domestic partnership you can qualify for your partner's insurance. In fact, most d.p's are male/female. I'm not sure, but maybe Finn can get you on his insurance. If not, you'll just have to get married. Hee. Of course, VA is not CA. L. To
ReplyDeleteI guess my last post didn't post. I mentioned that in Cali you can file for a domestic partnership and possibly get on Finn's insurance. In fact, most d.p's are male/female. Of course, VA ain't CA. And I know you REALLY do not want to hear this, but getting that j.o.b was a huge step. Don't let those fucksticks at SDSI take that away from you. L. To
ReplyDelete