I posted my site link on Facebook today. I wanted to reach more readers and thought it would be the easiest way to do that. I find it ironic, and pretty fucking irritating, that TODAY I heard from so many people who said I should turn my content into a book. Why is that, you ask? Here's the story... I've believed for quite a long time that my writings had serious book potential. There even seemed to me to be 3 very distinct volumes. 1. The first 14 months of cancer, treatment, the incredible emotional fallout that ensued, relying on prayer and experiencing true acts of generosity and kindness by complete strangers . 2. Trying to pick up the pieces after David left; becoming a single mom, learning how to manage it all by myself, figuring out how to co-parent, and then his horrible descent and death. 3. Starting over, yet again, while walking the boys through their unfathomable grief, dodging the daily financial landmines that were left behind, trying to regain my faith and find my way back to some sort of peace and joy. It's pretty clear to me that there is a LOT of good stuff there. I know my writing speaks to people and I do believe that there is an audience for it.
So, as many of you know, I've been looking into the whole publishing thing, off and on, for quite a while. The major issue is that it's nearly impossible to get noticed as an unknown author. You've got to have an 'in' in publishing. I've explored a few avenues through friends of friends... that kind of thing, but I held off contacting the one person in the business that I actually know. She was a high school classmate of David's. They didn't stay in touch, but reconnected at their 20 year high school reunion and rekindled their friendship. She's a darling girl and thought very highly of David. She even went to the trouble of coming to his funeral, even though she lives in Chicago. I had been reluctant to contact her because she did like him so much. Those of you who've been reading for any length of time know that there were a lot of not-so-nice things said about him in my journals. Unfortunately, they're all true. Anyhoo, a few days ago, she posted an ad on facebook for a class she's teaching on writing a book proposal. I took that as a sign that it was time to get in touch. I sent her a lengthy e-mail on Wednesday, and finally got a response today. Here are some of the key things she said:
"You have a talent for shaping narrative. You have a strong voice. You've had success, in terms of numbers of hits, with your blog."
Good, right? Not so fast...
"... you are far from ready to publish a book. You'll practically have to begin again. It will involve a great deal of planning and effort."
"I'd be remiss if I didn't expose you to an awful publishing reality: there are many, many people who want to publish their cancer narratives. You're in an extremely competitive field."
Ain't that just a kick in the balls? It's not like I thought I'd just print up my journals and, voila... a book. No... but I certainly wasn't prepared for what she told me. Shit. And honestly, I wouldn't classify my story as just a cancer narrative.... it's so much more than that. Yes, the reason I started writing was cancer. But I wrote about love, loss, betrayal, anger, holding on to my faith, caregiving, parenting and single-parenting, looking pure evil in the face, losing my faith, his death, the daily fight to NOT commit suicide, ushering my boys through their heartbreaking sadness, the selflessness of others, true friendship, trying to figure out who I really am, and thankfully.... blessedly.... falling in love again.
Oh well. I'll never be a renowned author, but at least I've got you monkey butts to read this shit. :0)
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Not only have you gotten us to read...you have us checking for new stuff everyday! You certainly do have a way with words. I wouldn't give up just yet. Not the most encouraging words but at least she didn't tell you that you are a talentless speck :)
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Well, I appreciate her honesty about getting into the "biz", but don't let that stop you. If you want to publish your book...than DO SO!! She was just trying to warn you about the difficulties....but God gave you a gift and maybe you just need to press forward and see it through!! Love ya kid!!
ReplyDeleteaot,t
I'll take that as a compliment!
ReplyDeleteShan...I know you have respect for that woman but don't let one person's feedback stop you!
ReplyDeleteXoxo's,
Bon