Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

03 January 2011

The day has arrived....

So today's the day... I begin my job in earnest, in T minus 1 hour and 20 minutes. Already, an epic fail on my part.... not going to the club as originally planned. My guts are in a twist and I got a mere wink or two of sleep last night. Oh well... I guess I can't expect to do it all on the first day. At least I planned ahead yesterday and hit Costco... dinner for tonight is handled. :0) 

All of the kids were excited to get back to school today... even Reilly!!! They're all so cute... so much chatter with their friends about what they got for Christmas, the fun things that they did, etc. Oh, to be 7 again! And of course, the fact that Rory turned 7 during the break was a topic of much discussion. :0) I know I've told you what a rough time Rory's been having... I think getting back to school will be great for him. Mrs. Gryniuk is such a love and his friends are very sensitive and sweet to him. I sure do luvvvvves that lil peanut. There are still rough times ahead, to be sure, but I think he's gonna be okay. Reilly's been in a particularly pleasant mood for the past week or so.... I would LOVE for that to continue. It's startling how much more smoothly things go at home when he's not acting like a neanderthal. 

I'm sorry so many of you are having difficulty getting this site to work for you. I wish I knew what to tell you... it's supposed to be supremely easy to use. To those of you who have figured it out, maybe someone could post step by step directions on the CB site. I did specifically add a widget near the bottom of the page that says "Subscribe to Shan's Entries". As for the swimming fishies, it's just a goofy little widget I added for fun. You can click on the background to feed them, and watch them swarm to eat. Silly, but made me smile. 

I guess that's it for now. Please send me some positive, calming vibes so I don't end up puking in the office on my first day. Now that would be classy!

Mucho love to you all....
S

"Be faithful in small things, because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Mother Theresa

"We would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world."
-Helen Keller

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
-Mother Theresa


Almost time to go to work... I'm SKEEEERED!!!
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9 comments:

  1. Have2CruiseMonday, January 03, 2011 10:07:00 AM

    LOVE the photo!!! :) I don't know what you are worried about you are going to do great on your first day. Yes you may have to ask a million questions as you get used to things...who cares! You can't be expected to know everything right from the first day. This time next week you will have that place whipped into shape and wonder what all the fuss was about!

    Have a truly awesome shantastic day!!

    Love Helen

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  2. MerMonday, January 03, 2011 12:03:00 PM

    Shan...you're gonna rock it my sweet friend!! No worries at all!! Can't wait to hear all about it!

    Love you bunches!
    Mer

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  3. BonnieMonday, January 03, 2011 1:42:00 PM

    Hahaha! Your picture cracked me up! You are so darn cute Miss Shannon! I know exactly how you feel though. Anytime I start a new long term subbing job, I go through the same anxiety.
    So my goal today is to try to figure out everything about your new blogsite and make sure I know what I'm doing! :) Wish me luck!
    XoXo's,
    Bon

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  4. BonnieMonday, January 03, 2011 1:43:00 PM

    And I am off to a good start since I was able to get my comment to post this time (:

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  5. ToniMonday, January 03, 2011 2:03:00 PM

    You so crazy.......enjoy the adrenaline while it lasts because it will be old hat before you can say, "Fuck, is it Monday already?!" All the best on your new adventure. And like Cook and I always say...........fat and happy, skinny and miserable. I must be pretty damn happy. L. To

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  6. BonnieMonday, January 03, 2011 2:04:00 PM

    Ok I think I'm more comfortable with your site now although I don't think I could give step by step instructions for others because all of what I learned was from trial and error! Typical of my computer knowledge!!
    I edited my "followers" picture....it's my daughter's eye! Isn't it cool?! lol!!
    Ok now my next task will be to master this blogsite from my cell :)
    By now I think your work day is over! Can't wait to hear the deets!!
    B

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  7. Theresa Noyes CameronMonday, January 03, 2011 2:52:00 PM

    I think I finally figured this new site out. I love the happy pink colors! I know you will have a great day at work and I can't wait for all the details!!

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  8. Sue TwisselmannMonday, January 03, 2011 3:41:00 PM

    Glad to hear all the kiddies got off to school on a happy note! I posted some step-by-step directions on the CB site...hope I did it right and that they help!

    I love the pic you posted today...you're so dang cute! I'm sure you were your usual Shantastic self as well and rocked that job! Can't wait to hear all about your first day...as well as the kiddos' first day!

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  9. Texas KDMonday, January 03, 2011 5:10:00 PM

    Hi Shannon, how did the first day go? Can't wait to hear all about it.

    Love and AOT,
    Lisa

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