Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

03 February 2011

No shit...

Yo doodles.... I may be an idiot, but I'm not a COMPLETE moron. I don't think for ONE second that the teen drama is over with Reilly. Puhhhhleeeez. He's only a freshman for the love of Christ... I am FULLY aware that I have a loooong road ahead. And hellllooooo.... Rory is 7, Leilei is 6, and Jayden is 2... there is PLENTY o' kid/hormone/smart-mouth/beastly behavior ahead. I was simply reveling in my one wee victory with Rei. Yeah... still thinking it fuckin ROCKED.


Auntie Nut.... did I read your post correctly? Did your vet expect you to pay that bill in full BEFORE doing the procedure???? That is BULLSHIT!!! What a king sized DOUCHE!!! You're supposed to just let that poor baby suffer until he gets his cash??? I wanna punch that fucker square in the face. Methinks it might be time to change vets. Shit... if Tom expected me to pay in full before taking care of my babies, I'd be really screwed. I'm paid up now, but for years, we had an ongoing account. With 12 animals, there was no way we could keep up. 


As for Uncle Monster, I'm so sorry that the job situation continues to be such a nightmare for him. First of all, the way they eliminated his position after the INCREDIBLE job he did, was just a ginormous fuck-over. And I just don't get why there aren't a thousand agencies clamoring for his services. He has so much experience, is so smart and has such integrity... it boggles the mind. Maybe this lil tidbit will put a smile on his face, at least for a minute. A few days ago... completely out of the blue... Rory said, "When is Monster John coming back? I miss him and I wanna play monster!!!" It was precious. Any chance I've mentioned how much I HATE the 3000 miles between us??? Grrrrr..... 


So last night, Finn & I said fuck it, and took ourselves out for dinner. Sometimes you have to get out, just to preserve your mental health. We went to Clyde's... a yummy restaurant witha great atmosphere. It's BEYOND cold these days, and that thends to keep people home, so it was pretty dead. The place is ENORMOUS, but we ended up sitting right next to another couple. The way the tables are situated, it's very easy to hear other people's conversations. Oh. My. God. Talk about entertaining. These two were clearly on a first date, and it was a NIGHTMARE!!!! Well, it was for the woman anyway. This guy was such a blowhard... so full of himself... it was absolutely painful to witness. At the same time, it was SO fucking funny that we couldn't contain ourselves. I always have fun with Finn and he never fails to make me laugh.... but I can't remember the last time we laughed so hard. Funny how their hideous date turned into our incredibly fun evening. :0)


I was thinking as I sat there, how much I DON'T miss those 'suit guys'. I'll take my blue collar redneck over a pompous ass like that ANY day. It's interesting... when I started dating, I thought I knew what kind of man I wanted to be with... who I should be with. But you know what? When I stopped looking for that guy and just took a chance.... that's when I met my Finn. I think there's a good lesson there... for ALL of us. We need to stop focusing on what we think our lives should look like. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be living with a redneck farm boy and that we'd be raising our children together, I would have told you to get your head examined... immediately. And while I continue to struggle with the fallout from David's death, personally, I've never been happier. I had no idea what it felt like to be absolutely adored... cherished. I had no idea that I could be in a relationship that is so full of laughter... so full of mutual love and respect. I thought I knew what I wanted... what I needed. I had NO clue. Finn is everything I never knew I was looking for. 


That's a lesson I've been trying to pass along to Reilly, as he fights against our new family situation. I keep reminding him that no, our life doesn't look the way we thought it would.... but he needs to at least be open to it, because if he let's it happen, it could be better than anything he had ever imagined. 


New subject... I'm still REALLY thinking I want to go to nursing school. I keep looking at the class catalogs, the entrance exams... and I KNOW it's what I want to do. I just don't know how to make it happen. Short of winning the lottery, I can't see how to work it out. Hmmmm.... definitely something to keep pondering.


Since I continue to be an unemployed ASS, I volunteered to work at the Woodgrove blood drive on Valentine's Day. I think you know how passionate I am about blood donation, and I thought it would be cool to participate at Reilly's school. On that note, PLEASE give blood. It's easy, fast and painless. Your ONE pint of blood can save THREE lives. And if you want to donate platelets? Even better. David's life was spared, more times than I can count, because of donor blood and platelets. There were SO many times that he took a turn and we thought that was it... but the donor blood products gave him a LOT of extra time. So DO it! You'll be surprised how great it will make you feel. :0) INOVA is really cool too... they send you a postcard as soon as they give your blood to a patient. It makes my day.... every single time. 


Time to head to the meeting with the financial guy. I'm guessing I'll be in tears before too long. Shit. Hope you have a happy day. 


This is what I woke up to this morning... the boys slept together last night. :0)


Much love...
S


***Thank a friend who believes in you.***
***Take the opportunity to do small things well.***
***Love yourself for who you are.***
  -Instant Karma
Posted by at

3 comments:

  1. ~Mom~Thursday, February 03, 2011 1:59:00 PM

    Shannon....
    Yep...the vet told me how much it would be. I don't have that kind of money, and it wasn't an emergency, so it was my choice to pay forward on the estimate. Jessie's teeth get infected every 4 weeks. They charge $30 bucks for the medication. By the time she has her surgery, I will have to fork out about $200.00. I did check around to other vets and they said that it was a fair estimate. What else would they say? Maybe you're right...new vet needed. The place is really posh. A place celebrities would take their pets. It is convenient, though. Only about 3 blocks from my house. Heck, everything is 3 blocks from MY house.

    Hey, I was thinking...you know how guys would say "I'd give my left nut for _________." Well, Reilly can say that twice! Unless he has two right nuts...then he can say "I'd give my right nut for____________."

    I love you bunches!
    ~AN~
    PS: Where has Toni been?... I miss her humor.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ToniThursday, February 03, 2011 2:53:00 PM

    I'm here Auntie Nut. Last week was a bitch because of this jacked up tooth. I was bragging to Shan about a bonus check from work and now it will be the dentist's bonus. Fuckstick. Also, I have to give Shanista a break once in awhile. She talks about how I make her laugh, but she leaves out how much I can annoy her as well.

    I'm sorry about John's job situation. I agree with Shan, with his experience I can't believe he hasn't been snatched up. Jobs and money; two necessary evils. As our girl would say, ew.

    As for you Weasel, I really enjoyed your last post. Personal happiness is so underrated(sp?). You are moving yourself into a whole new life experience and I think you(and ur new family)will come out ahead. There is so much to gain and so very little left to lose. I know the house situation is daunting, to say the least, but together you and Roy(hee)will work it out. Alright Shannon Skinneyfucker, messing with you,(you must be thrilled I popped up again!! Smooches Pooches, T.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ~Mom~Friday, February 04, 2011 1:44:00 PM

    Toni....so sorry about your tooth. Bamboo shoots under fingernails sound better than dental work. Take special care of yourself. We need you to "jack" us up. Keeps us on our toes. I often say to myself "I wish I would have thought of that" when you post. Your are a good Poster!
    hugs
    Aunti Nut

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)