Okay, so I got my few errands done in record time today. Quite pleased. One of the things I had to drop at Ed's office was a rough monthly household budget. I've been using a budget program called iXpensit on my iPhone... I literally put in every penny I spend. It's got a ton of categories and extras, so you can really keep track of exactly where you're spending your money. That's all good, but I'd never gone through and actually looked at the monthly print out before today. Holy Christ... I am seriously fucked. And TRUST ME, there are NO extras in there. It's gas, electric, propane, heath insurance, medication, groceries, pet food, etc. I didn't even write down the other stuff that pops up... $800 for tires and car repair... $600 for Max and Shyla, sports fees for the boys, attorney fees... fuck. I'm thinking my only way out of this shit heap is to finally go get that job that's posted on Craigslist every day.... "Be an escort while your kids are at school... $1000 per day." Gross.
I've already decided to cancel our tv service when it expires on the 15th. Really, the only other thing I could get rid of is our family club membership, and I SO don't want to do that. Seriously.... if we go out to dinner, it's because we have a gift card. A movie? Gift card. We're not spending ANY extra money. Finn is out this very minute, trying to sell one of the jeeps. Not the one I've posted pictures of... he's got another one that he'd already finished working on. Please, please PLEASE..... I hope this fucker buys the damn thing TONIGHT!!! We just re-listed the Mercedes and would like to list the tractor, but we should wait at least another month to do that. You want people thinking 'spring' and realizing they need farm equipment. The kids are cute. I could sell them. Well, I'm guessing nobody will take Reilly... he eats too damn much.
I flagged a few job listings today, so off I go to forward my resume. Hey To... you'll be glad to know that Rei LOVED your nicknames. So far, his favorites are Add-A-Nad and MackSack. And Miss Robin... he actually did a great job with the kids today, but there will be NO earning back privileges for a while. I can't even describe what a different kid he is when he doesn't have his phone. It's sad really... I'd like to pitch the fuckin thing in the Potomac. They're also not allowed to have phones at Comfort Zone Camp, which is this weekend. He was already TOTALLY pissed about that. I have ZERO interest in giving it back, and then having to endure yet ANOTHER fight to keep it for the weekend. I'm thinking that Monday sounds fair... a week of no tech shit for blatantly lying to your mother and being incredibly manipulative. Let's just hope he doesn't fuck up AGAIN... I'll just keep the stupid thing. And he knows I'm a big enough bitch to do exactly that. You know what? I take that back. I don't think keeping his phone & computer or going to school to humiliate him was in ANY WAY, bitchy or out of line. What I'm trying to show him is that I love him too much to ALLOW him to get away with shit like that. And, I love him so much that I have NO problem walking into school and making myself look like a huge asshole. He already tells anyone who'll listen what a giant bitch I am and that I'm ruining his life... I may as well live up to his expectations. :0)
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
01 February 2011
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Well Honey.............as a mother of 4 boys...I must comment on a few things...........#1.....you did the right thing by showing Rei who was boss....do it while you can...before he gets that drivers license!!! #2............just don't wear yourself out trying to be everything....I know you have to be though....I just want you to enjoy yourself and enjoy Finn....#3 be prepared for a little more mischief from Rei and then he will come around.....he is a good kid and he WILL be a good man...........just be patient...it will happen..........God Bless you my dear!!!
ReplyDeleteaot,t
Well, if you are ruining his life, you must be doing your job right! That's what I tell the kids when they say I am being mean...HA~
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Yep...I agree with Theresa....It ain't over. Unfortunately you get a few added (or negative) bonuses. John Michael was a manipulative ass until he was 18. After 18 he was barely home and then moved out. I almost didn't see him on a regular basis until he moved back into town a few years ago. He moved back home to save money, and he is the most adorable human being I have ever met. He paid off all his bills and is saving for a new car and testing for Border Patrol. I can't believe he hasn't found Mrs. Right with these qualifications. He is a real catch, and he is good looking to boot! Shall I post a couple of pics on Facebook of him? Maybe he will find someone in New Mexico, Arizona, or Texas...wherever he lands.
ReplyDeleteTime to stop rambling...
I love you ~ bug-a-boo!
Auntie Nut