Yo doodle dos.... it's Comfort Zone Camp day!!!! Rory absolutely sprang out of bed today, just SO excited to get there. I cannot express my relief at the turnaround he's made. He was having such anxiety... crying about it every day... it was awful. What an incredible blessing that Miss Skylar was there last night to get him all pumped up. Do you see what a gift these support groups are??? It doesn't matter how old you are... knowing, and being able to really connect with other people who know exactly what your grief feels like... it's a gift. Truly. And good news... our new Parenting Alone support group starts next week. Yahooooo!
The only thing about the weekend that I'm not looking forward to, is being away from Finn. :( I have to tell ya... the whole 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' thing.... um, no. I call bullshit. That's how I spent the vast majority of my marriage... between the years in the Navy and then all of the business travel, we were apart more than we were together. And look how well that turned out!!! I think the fact that we want to be together every second of every day is a beautiful thing. We make each other laugh. We make each other feel loved. We make a great parenting team. We just truly enjoy each other's company. And do you have any idea what a big fucking deal that is for someone who was raised as an only child??? I've always cherished my alone time... even craved it. Now? Forget it. If I'm with Finn, I'm happy as a clam. :0) Of course, I still look forward to time away from the kids.... but that's just to preserve my sanity. But what parent doesn't need some time away?
Today will be busy, with traveling to Richmond, meeting the Big Buddy, the parent's dinner, etc., but tomorrow I've got nuttin'. I'm hoping to take advantage of the day to be lazy, maybe see a movie, and work on Finn's Valentine present. I have wanted to make jewelry for years, but never got around to it. Yesterday I went to the craft store and got some things to make Finn a necklace. He bought himself a really cool choker on our cruise, and he's worn it every day. It's made of little pieces of white shells, and it looks damn sexy on him! I bought some really cool tiny black rocks and some sterling wire. Now I just have to get online and read about how to affix the clasp. I'm excited! I think he'll really like it, especially knowing that I made it for him. :0)
I'd better scram... Reilly has his sports physical this morning. Lacrosse tryouts are only a couple weeks away, and he is counting the minutes!!!
Mucho love & hugs to you...
S
***Persevere through the innumerable ups and downs of the path.***
***Find something to smile about every day.***
***It's not what happens to you that matters the most... it's what you do with it.***
-Instant Karma
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
04 February 2011
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I hope the boys have a great weekend! Did you decide to stay closer to the camp?
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Hey Shan! I totally understand how you feel about being away from Finn. I feel the same way with Ron and after 6 years it still amazes me that I want to spend the majority of my time with him and I still enjoy him! I grew up with parents that loved each other like that and the older they get the MORE they are like that. I'm so glad that you have been blessed with Finn and he has been blessed with you!!
ReplyDeleteEven with missing Finn - I hope you and the boys have an amazing weekend. I got chills when I read what you wrote about the healing circle. I continue to sit in awe at what a GREAT mom you are as you walk your boys through all of this while having to walk through it yourself!
Love you!!
Mer
Get a massage or a facial or a mani/pedi/waxi...
ReplyDeleteBring a bunch of books or go to a "liberry". Schmooze around book stores. Have an herbal tea at a Star-buckies. The time will fly, you'll see. This could be a wonderful weekend for your boys. They really need this. You need this for them. You are an awesome mom!
Take care this weekend.
Love
AN