Mesut is my hair stylist. I have an appointment at 10 and I couldn't be more thrilled. My hair looks HEINOUS. I want to send out big love and thanks to my mamasan... she still can't seem to post here... grrrrrr.... but she continues to call and leave me lovely messages of encouragement, and continually reminds me that she's got my back. I don't know what I'd do without you, mom... I certainly realize that I am INCREDIBLY blessed to have you in my corner. I've told you many times how much I HATE that I STILL need your help. Fucking hell.... I'm 41... having to rely on you so much makes me feel like shit. You always tell me not to feel that way, and that you want to help in any way that you can, but I just wish I could stand on my own and not need you so much. Please be assured that I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to find a job, manage my finances, and get up on my own two feet. Thank you for ALWAYS being there for the boys and me... thank you for accepting my new family with Finn with open arms... just, THANK YOU. I'll never be able to fully express how grateful I am for everything you have done, and continue to do for us. I love you, love you, love you... MUCHLY!
Got to thinking about the whole money situation last night. I think I may have come across something I could cut out. I didn't realize how expensive my growing heroin addiction has become, and I think maybe the industrial grade margarita machine I had installed next to my bed might have been a bad idea. Hmmmm.... thoughts? ;-) I've said it before, and I'll say it again.... it's a DAMN good thing my gut and my meds won't allow me to drink alcohol. I GUARANTEE I'd be a falling down drunk by now. This would all be SO much easier to deal with if I was just fuckin loaded all the time.
So... some potentially good news on the job front for Finn. He had a great talk with Tim last night, and is supposed to hear from the service manager in the next day or two. Financially, it would pretty much be a lateral move right now, but there is HUGE growth potential there. They'll even help him earn all of his certifications, which will really increase his earning potential. It would also be wonderful for him to have a job that he enjoys going to every day. He DETESTS the job he has now... he works with a bunch of lazy fuckwads who spend all of their time figuring out how to AVOID doing any work. It makes him CRAZY!!!! He WANTS to work... he doesn't care if he's shoveling shit... just let him WORK for fuck's sake!!!
The guy didn't buy the jeep last night... grrrrr. He says he's still interested, but until we see cash, we're not counting on it. He got an offer this morning from someone who wants to trade him a Ford Expedition for the jeep. Hmmmm.... we'll have to look into it. We DEFINITELY need the cash, but it would be SPECTACULAR to have a car that we could all fit in together.
Guess I'd better hit it... time to get my hairs did. Have a good one. :0)
xoxo
S
***Forget what others think of you.***
***Dare to live the live you've dreamed for yourself.***
***Put difficulty in perspective and ask what choices you have.***
***Receive life's gifts.***
-Instant Karma
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Doesn't matter if you are 4 or 40, you are always going to "need" your parents in some way or another. I am even sure that parents like to "feel" needed. You don't stop being a parent because your kids are grown. Try to be easy on yourself. You didn't create this situation and you are certainly trying to climb out of it. Accept help along the way. Nobody can go it alone :)
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Hey sweetie pie...
ReplyDeleteI am 53, and I still need my mom's help on occasion. Since John has no job and we are one of the ones sucking the state dry financially, I have yet to ask my mom for help. I am trying to hold off as long as possible. Do not feel bad...your mom would do anything for you ~ it is what mom's are meant to do...be there for their kids. I hope I'm not preaching to the choir on this..... :)
Jessie, my deaf cat, needs to have some teeth pulled. They are rotting and she gets chronic infections. The procedure is over $900! I sent the vet $100 every two weeks (kind of a savings plan) and just now scheduled her procedure. If there were a vet emergency, I don't know what I'd do.
Regarding your mom....she knows how hard you are trying to resolve your finances. We touch base and she knows how difficult it is for you....job hunting....being chased by creditors....trying to raise 2 to 4 kids. Thank the Lord you have your Mom. She has your back, and she will protect her cubs like a Mama Bear would.
Gotta run....
~AN~
PS:
ReplyDeleteLast week before I had my hair done, I noticed my skunk line was white! WHITE! All this time I thought I was covering GRAY! Talk about PISSED! SHEESH!
xoxo
Beadle!!!!! Plugged into music, watching "Who' s The Boss". Some shit never changes. Hard to believe a girl could get tired of the same 6,000 songs, but here I am. And these gosh darn headphones, the cord is too short. Bitch. Cookie is hanging out with her boyfriend Tim. I call him Motor Mouth Mitchell. He's a sweet guy, but he never shuts the fuck up. Get he and Cookie together and it's like a Chinese flea market. I had to migrate into my tiny square of space. Which I am very grateful to have. Bella and Gino are just sitting by the bedroom door. Waiting. I don't like them being around Tim. He's so wackadoo, I don't trust him. Bell and G. got into a little attention tiff on his lap a while back and this ass chucked them across the room. Oh, I was so pissed. You'd have lost a couple of pounds standing next to the steam coming off my head. Ya, I think Motor is a little afraid of dogs. So, no. B-52's, Follow Your Bliss. Anyhoo weasel, keep beating on the job thang, you'll kill it soon enough. Peace out Girl Scout. Hey I heard the G-Scouts were cutting some cookie flavors. Best not be Thin Mint or I'm takin' to the streets. Egypt style. L, T.
ReplyDelete