Is it just me, or do your to-do lists have a bit of a rollover factor? You know... things you were ABSOLUTELY gonna do, but the first few things took hours longer than they should have, and then you kinda say, fuck it... I'll do it tomorrow? That's where I am today. And to think... I even planned ahead! I drove Reilly to school this morning because I had to hit the DMV. It opens at 8 and there's one right down the street from Woodgrove. I was going there to deal with my expired registration, when the gal behind the desk tells me she can't renew it because I need an inspection. WHAT???? Didn't I already DO that??? Ugh. Luckily, they have a garage right around back, so I took the car back and waited. In the mean time I texted Finn about my frustration. He reminded me that I DID have an inspection when I got my new tires a couple months ago. Cool, right? I even had the receipt and the certificate in the car. I'm thinkin... jackpot!!! So I drive back around, go back in the office and present my certificate. Oopsie doodle.... yes, I need that, but I need something else too. FUCK!!! It turns out that I had gotten the Virginia safety inspection, but I still needed the emissions inspection. Bloody hell!!!! How many fucking pieces of documentation do I need to drive in Virginia without ending up in the pokey???? So yeah... I had to go back to the garage, AGAIN, and wait for an hour. I got to the damn place just after 8 and didn't leave there until 10:45. Infuriating.
Next stop was the bank. Another 5 minute stop took me a damn hour. I don't even want to get into why it was such a clusterfuck... just know it was a giant pain in my ass.
Okay, now some good news... I spoke to Ed, my financial guy this morning. I'm going to drop off my loan mod packet tomorrow so he can go over it, and then we have a meeting scheduled for Thursday morning. Even better news??? I booked myself a hair appointment for Wednesday. Thank God. The last time I got my hair done was before Christmas. Trust me, when your hair is as short as mine, that is NO bueno. Can you believe that the selfish dick who does my hair had the temerity to go home to Turkey for a month??? I don't give a fat fuck that he hadn't seen his family in four years.... my hair is FAR more important!!! ALL travel must be approved by MOI! The hair situation is particularly dire right now, because I am getting fatter with each passing moment. Having hair around my face only serves to accentuate my pork!
One scary thing during my conversation with Ed... he said it's probably time to make some "hard decisions".... he's referring to the house. The thing that no one seems to get, is that the boys HAVE to stay in their schools. Shit... so does Leilei... she doesn't need anymore change either. And even though the BEST thing for them is to stay in their home, I'd be willing to move if we could stay within our attendance area. But guess what??? It's not possible to find something cheaper in the Waterford area. It's just not. Trust me. I've done the research. I HAVE to get this loan reduction... I HAVE to find a job that will actually bring in some money, and Finn HAS to find a job that brings in more than he's getting now. No problem, right? FUCK!!!
I had a check cut for my useless attorney... took that estate account down to 75 bucks. :0) Have at it, creditors!!! I still owe them a couple grand on top of what I took out today, but I'm not gonna pay them in a lump sum. (Like I could...) They'll get it when they get it. They have all but ignored me since Eileen left, so they can go piss up a rope.
Gotta scram for now. I have some things to pull together to drop at Ed's tomorrow. Hope you're having a good day.
xoxo
S
*Hey Miss Helen.... YES, you are the darling girl who gave me that book. Love you! :0)
***Act with integrity.***
***Facilitate the growth of others.***
***Exercise your soul.***
-Instant Karma
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
PUTT-NUT
ReplyDeletePREGNUT
THE JUGGLER
MACKSACK
RECALLBALL
ADD-A-NAD
WTFNUT
MIXED NUTS
TRININAD
THE FULL PACKAGE
TESTY.....123
JUST BORN BALL
SPARE NUT
SPACEBALLS
THREE ON THE TREE
BONUS BALL
Ok...those are good. I like Three on the Tree the best...followed closely by Bonus Ball :)
ReplyDeleteSorry your day was crappy. Things never do go as smoothly as we would like. I guess the DMV is a nightmare no matter what state you live in!
aot
r~
Hi Honey,
ReplyDeleteSorry I have not written in a while. I always think of you and the boys....and Finn too. I says prayers for all of you and I know God is taking care of you. Are you coming to California this summer?? That would be so cool if we could have another KD reunion and see you and the boys and Finn...and his family too! I hope your mom is doing well. I need to go back and read all of your posts to get caught up. Any Creed concerts planned for the future??
Love ya always,
T
NANONAD
ReplyDeletePINBALL WIZARD