Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010
4 peeps in bed... check!
Guess who???? Your favorite pain in the ass, comin' atcha! Would you mind if I gushed over my amazing Finn. YET again??? While I was at Costco, he watched the 3 lil ones, did a bunch of dishes, was on doggie duty, cleaned Jayden & Leilei's bathroom within an inch of it's life, AND got dinner on.... a pot roast with potatoes and carrots and a big side o' corn. Yep... he's a fuckin ROCKSTAR!!! Me luvvvves him HAWWWWWARD!!!!! And then when I thanked him for doing all of that, his response was, "you don't have to thank me, baby." Oh. My. GOD! WHERE did he COME from??? All I can say is, DAYUM!
One teensy sliver of good news... I got a response from my financial guy. He said to call him tomorrow and we'll schedule a meeting for this week. I'm just seriously hoping that he'll be able to help me with all of the loan mod crap. Say a prayer, wish on a star... whatever. I need this to work out.
The kids are actually excited to get back to school tomorrow... even Reilly. I'm SURE it has more to do with hangin' out with pretty girls than anything else. Whatever works. Last night when he was at his friend's house, the dog woke them up at about 3:30 in the morning. None of them could get back to sleep, so they went sledding... in the middle of the night!!! He said that he's never had more fun in his entire life. Good stuff. :0) Apparently, he was the best version of himself all weekend, as the kid's parents told him he's welcome there anytime. I sure hope they meant it, cuz the kid's got major plans to hang out there whenever he can! The best part? I think it was a much needed break for ALL of us. He came home in a fantastic mood and was genuinely happy to see everyone. It didn't hurt that Rory and Leilei had sent him 'mail'... notes and pictures that they slipped under his door... and Jayden ran into his arms when he walked in the house.
We've got some good nicknames for the ape, re: his mouse nut. So far, we've got:
Plus One
3 Ball
Tri Ball
and
Tri Rei ( that one is courtesy of my mother.)
I'm thinkin Mouse Nut is pretty good too. If you've got a good one, lay it on me. He's been having as much fun with it as we have... definitely makes him feel like it's no big deal... which it isn't.
That's it for me. Here's another book you might want to take a look at. And by the way... I FINALLY found my copy of Bridge To Forgiveness. :0)
That's it for me. Sleep tight, nutter butters.
xoxo
S
Brag away sister :) We had a similar dinner except I had to make it!!! We have hardly had a dinner out since the kitchen was completed and I am even trying new things.
ReplyDeleteGlad Reilly came home happy. Sometimes friends are just the trick to getting back on track. They don't take kindly to having you be a dick to them!
aot
r~
Hey Sunshine!
ReplyDeleteSo glad that you have such an amazing man in your life. That will help heaps!
Great pick on the Zig Ziglar book...awesome book...oh wait a minute...didn't I give you a copy of that! I think I did but I can't remember. Anyway I love the books that Ziglar writes and the stories he tells, but this book is by far his best one yet.
Have a great week...sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
Oh as for lawyer expenses if you want a way to save on them let me know. I maybe able to suggest someone that can help with that.
Love Helen