First of all, I fucking HATE the word 'widow'.... gives me the skeeves. Rory had a great group tonight, as did I. Oh, how I've missed having a support group!!! If only it was a little longer... but it was wonderful. Next stop was to be in Ashburn to take Reilly to his group. Uh... nope. Car battery was dead. FUCK! Reilly had stayed in the car listening to music, etc., and had turned the key just enough that having his shit plugged in drained the battery. No problem. We're in the parking lot at the hospital. They have security guys patrolling constantly, so I was sure we'd be noticed with the hood up within minutes. Nope. I sent Rei over to the main building to tell someone at the security desk that we needed help, and the FUCKTARD sitting there gave him the phone number of a towing company. SERIOUSLY??? Just then, Miss Laura walked out. God bless her, she offered to take Reilly to his group. Thank you Laura!!! xoxoxo Before they left ,I went over to the main building. Let's just say, Shanny was PISSED!!!!!! There were a bunch of people milling around the desk. I waited my turn and then said, "I just sent my son in here to ask for help with our car. Are YOU the one that gave him that phone number?" The idiot replied, "uh... yeah. It's a towing company." Holy fucking shit balls.... there HAD to be steam coming out of my ears. I continued with, "my husband died in this hospital a few months ago, and now my car is sitting in front of the Radiation Oncology building so my children can attend their grief support groups. I'm all alone, it's 7:00 at night, and you're telling me that there isn't ONE security person in this facility that can help me?!?!?" And the idiot says... "someone from that towing company can help you." AAAGGGHHHH!!!!! I swear.... it was all I could do to NOT punch him in the face. Useless douche bag. Just as I was about to commit a homicide, a guy in scrubs walked up and asked if I needed a jump. Thank Christ for the kindness of strangers.
I'm not generally one to pull the widow card, but that guy was such a fucking tool, so rude and such a plain ol' dick, that it just came out of my mouth. The guy who helped me was SO nice... he even apologized for the prick at the desk, and said he hoped I wouldn't think his attitude was indicative of the way they treat people there. Of course, I said I realized that, but that I also thought Sir Desk Dick had just gotten an invaluable lesson about NOT fucking with a pissed off widow. He laughed. :0)
Another GINORMOUS thank you to my girl Katy for fetching Reilly after his group and driving him all the way back home. You're an angel Katy Girl!!! I love you!!!!
One last thing before I put on the ol' jammies.... the whole job situation for Finn has clearly been on my mind a lot, and I've definitely thought about talking to Ryan. I KNOW he'd hire him in a heartbeat, but I'm fairly certain Finn would have NONE of that. He refers to Ryan as my ex-boyfriend, but I don't see him that way at all. Yes, we dated for several months, but he is my friend... a very dear friend that I plan to know for the rest of my life. Finn isn't remotely comfortable with that. He just thinks 'ex' and wonders why he's still in my life. I wish he could see it as a good thing. It's not like we had some terrible falling out, or something bad happened between us.... it just wasn't meant to be. I think it's wonderful that we're able to be friends. Now don't get your panties in a wad... I'd never do anything to hurt Finn. It's not like I sneak out for secret visits with Ryan or anything... we just talk on the phone occasionally. He's okay with that, but he still thinks it's weird. I don't know if it's because he's so young, or because he knows Ryan has money, or a combination of the two. But CLEARLY I've learned that money isn't everything, and it sure as fuck doesn't buy happiness. True, I'd be VERY happy if I had scads more of it, but you know what I mean. Shit... if I gave a fat fuck about money, I'd never have gone out with Finn in the first place. I knew he was a blue collar redneck long before we met in person. And yes, I love Ryan... I always have... as a human being. He was very good to me and brought a great deal of joy to my life during a time of real darkness. But I was never in love with him, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that I have NEVER loved anyone the way that I love my Finn. :0) He is an angel sent to me by God, and I make sure to tell him that everyday.
Okay... time for this girl to hit the hay. Nite nite.
xoxo
S
****Super duper love & hugs to my Dad & Miss Mary for the GORGEOUS bouquet of tulips and irises that you sent us. Thank you for the early Valentine treat... they're beautiful!!!!!
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
10 February 2011
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I don't understand people. It still amazes me how little thought people give to eachother. I guess I am naive but I figure we are all in this together, so why not be kind to one another. Who knows, in return, someone might be kind back. Thankfully the guy in the scrubs restored your faith in humanity...at least maybe a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI would guess Finn's feelings about "ex's" stem from having a bad one. His ex is a nut job so maybe he feels like all ex's have problems. It is unusual to have a good relationship with an ex. Sometimes mens pride just makes me crazy. At least he doesn't feel threatened by Ryan at all.
I tell you...I had a pretty crappy day myself. It started when I had to drive 4 preteen girls to Sausalito @ 7am for a science camp. Half way there I realized I forgot my purse (in my haste to pack all the girls crap in the truck) but thankfully I had money in my pocket so I could pay for the bridge. Then, on the way home I realized, no purse meant no house key. I don't keep one on my key ring since I have 3 different sets of car keys. I also don't keep a garage door opener in the truck because we don't drive it often so they are in the other cars. Usually one of my kid is irresponsible and leaves the sliding glass door open after letting the dogs in and out...but no, not today. Richard was in an all day meeting and could not be reached. My parents were in Hawaii so no help there. Finally, I remembered I had the window in my room open yesterday to let fresh air in and when I closed it, I didn't lock it. I found a neighbor with a ladder and let myself in. Then I had a ton of work to do and had to bake cupcakes for a school dance tomorrow. Thankfully I had just enough eggs and oil. While cooling on the back of the counter, that stupid ass dog of mine snuck 15 of them! I had another cake mix but had to drag my ass over to the store to get more oil and eggs! He knew he was wrong and went straight to his crate and didn't come out. Maybe he's not so stupid after all. Got the next batch of cupcakes done...ran out to get the kid to basketball practice...then off to a baseball meeting. I am finally home and finished frosting and decorating the cupcakes. If that dog even trys to go in the kitchen...he will be sorry! What a day.
aot
r~
Not gonna have an opinion about Ryan. Sorry....
ReplyDeleteJust be very careful. If you like the way your apple cart is, don't rock it!
xoxo
AN