Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

10 February 2011

Some mornings just SUCK.

Seriously rough going this morning... poor Rory... he's just in PIECES. Of course, he doesn't realize that it's all tied up with his grief, but that's exactly what's going on with him. He's bouncing back and forth between intense sadness and  outrageous angry outbursts. His antics made all of us late this morning, but at least he was calm by the time he got into class. He had also apologized to me for his behavior this morning. I made an appointment for him to see the guidance counselor today. She's great and he really responds to her, so hopefully something positive will come of that. It's also great news that his grief group meets tonight. Thank God. 


We were late enough that I had to drive Reilly to school... grrrr. Oh well. Time for us to have a one-on-one chat. He's completely pumped about lacrosse... tryouts are next week and he can't wait. I can. Mostly because I'll probably have to start turning tricks to pay for this shit. First of all, these days, you have to pay the school $200 per kid, per sport just so they can play. There's just no funding for sports anymore. And then there's all of the gear that has to be purchased. I'm looking at about 500 to 600 bucks for that. Seriously. Lacrosse equipment is not cheap. Whatever. I'll have to find it somewhere, because the kid is going to play. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to get into some sort of car pool for weekly practices, as they practice for several hours EVERY DAY. Not only do I want to keep our family routine with homework, sit-down dinners, etc as consistent as possible, but there's also grief group and soon, Rory & Leighanna will have soccer. Who's idea was it to go from 2 to 4 kids??? :0) 


Oh... here's a fun little tidbit for ya... my brother-in-law, the man/child... showed up at about 5 yesterday, UNANNOUNCED. Nice. Not only that, he stayed and just invited himself for dinner. What a jack-ass. Found out last night why he has completely ignored us since Rory's birthday... it seems that he made a MAJOR fuck-up at his new job and has been getting the daily anal probe by the feds. He even had to go before the FDIC and plead stupidity. Clearly, that was VERY easy to prove, so he didn't lose his job. What a douche. 


Still no news on a new job for Finn. :( He's very frustrated and is starting to get pretty down about it. At least we can commiserate... I certainly know the feeling!!! 


I'm feeling much better today, but I don't want to overdo it... so only a few errands on the books. The bank, Ed's office, and Target for meds. I can't WAIT to see how much my inhaler will cost. Ugh. I got a bill from the hospital yesterday. Remember when Rei was so sick in November and had to go to the ER for IV fluids? I owe them 800 bucks. Why the FUCK am I paying for this hideous insurance??? It doesn't help me AT ALL!!! I feel like I should do some homework and see if I can find better coverage, but honestly, I left no stone unturned when I was trying to find a policy last fall. I can't imagine there's anything new or better that would save me a significant amount of money. Just one more industry full of scumbags. 


Not much else to share at the moment. Go see the camp pics on Shutterfly if you haven't already. Have a good one. 


xoxo
S
Lovin' bruddas at Comfort Zone Camp

***Be an example of a person with integrity.***
***Savor life's small moments.***
***Inspire each other.***
-Instant Karma
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3 comments:

  1. ToniThursday, February 10, 2011 10:24:00 AM

    Happy Thursday. Tits!! We are closing in on the weekend! You sound better, but I agree about the "not over-doing it". Tennis was a blast. Except for "The Housewives of Silicon Valley" sitting next to us. I know, it's tennis I should expect them. Whatever. That picture you posted of Rei and Rory says it all Shan. Well time to start "working". T.

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  2. ~Mom~Thursday, February 10, 2011 1:25:00 PM

    Sweet little guy. He will find his way....but when is the question.

    Lacrosse equipment? Second hand. Friends with kids who don't do the sport anymore. Check out Craigslist, ebay, pounding on doors, checking with the coach...blah blah blah...work, I know. Call it sweat equity in sports equipment.

    Yippie on the USAA credit card news. I wonder if he took that cc out AFTER knowing he had cancer. Where did the $$ go? Cheeze Louize!

    Hmmm....ways to make money without out selling your soul to the devil....working on that one. I'll let you know.

    Have a pleasant day working into a great weekend.

    Love,
    AN

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  3. Nicole MasonThursday, February 10, 2011 3:39:00 PM

    Hey - Big CONGRATULATIONS on the CC payoff!! Wahohoo.. Every bit helps, I am sure. I will keep my fingers crossed for more of the good "surprises"! I agree with Auntie Nut - craigslist, ebay, the coach, maybe even loo at private leagues/groups. They may know some folks looking to sell. Virtual hugs to Rory!

    xoxo

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