Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

11 February 2011

Friday.... finally.

Hey Bobbin.... sounds like you had a BLAST yesterday... ugh! And the dog stealing the cupcakes??? That is SO something my dogs would do... HAVE done!!! Little shits! Even my cats have been known to sneak muffins off the counter. It's a good thing we love our furry people so much, or they'd be swingin' from a tree!!! 


Yeah... the whole thing about that guy being such a prick last night... where does that COME from??? Let's not forget that his job is to be available at the HELP DESK.... but just from one human being to another... why would you talk to someone like that? I'm not tootin' my own horn here, but I can't count the number of times I've stopped or gone out of my way to see if I could help a total stranger. Isn't that how we're supposed to behave? Whatever. Clearly, there are people who've never gotten that memo. They're definitely the ones who are missing out... it always makes me feel great to be hable to help someone, even in some tiny way. And hey... ever heard of KARMA???? 


Reilly had a spectacular group last night. After it was over, he even got major kudos from both social workers about what a great job he did facilitating the meeting and helping other teens to share. I LOVE that he is so completely embracing the process. Not only is he learning and healing, but he's helping others on that path too. I made sure to sing his praises last night... telling him over and over how proud I am of him and how proud he should be of himself. He said to me, "well, that's what happens when you go to Comfort Zone... it changed my life. I was even thinking I might be a really good social worker." Holy shit. Yeah.... that one knocked my socks off. :0) They're also starting a peer grief support group at Woodgrove and he's totally jazzed about it. They're in the process of getting permission from each of the parents, allowing the students to participate. He was told there are 12 other kids interested, and he's ready to start meeting NOW. He's also still working hard to come up with fundraising ideas for Comfort Zone. It makes me so happy that he is finally looking outside of himself... methinks the countless hours I've spent getting him to and from every support group under the sun is FINALLY starting to pay off. 


They're having 2 really cool fundraisers coming up... a 10k and 1 mile fun run, and then a big gala with an auction, etc. I just wish the HQ wasn't all the way in Richmond... I'd love it if we could participate in one or both of those events. I guess we'll just have to make something happen up here. :0) If you want to read more about them, or the organization in general, please check this out: Learn about Comfort Zone!!! 


I have a little bit of running around to do this morning, then it's back to hitting the job listings. Eew. Enjoy your Friday. :0)


xoxo
S

***Acknowledge the lessons your soul needs to learn.***
***Give a smile to a stranger.***
***Thank someone for believing in you.***
-Instant Karma
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3 comments:

  1. RobinFriday, February 11, 2011 9:55:00 AM

    Awesome Reilly :)

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. ToniFriday, February 11, 2011 1:48:00 PM

    YIP-E-I-A!! It's finally Friday!! Iam sleeping in tomorrow, and that is the only plan for the weekend so far. Shan, I am so happy for you. Sounds like you have found the love of your life. Cool!! I pray you guys are able to swing keeping the house so you can stay where you belong. You deserve it!! Hope you all have a great weekend!. T.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ~Mom~Friday, February 11, 2011 2:12:00 PM

    You are a good mommy!

    ReplyDelete

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