Unless your name is Toni, Auntie Nut or Nicole.... fuck you in the neck!!!! SERIOUSLY???? One WEENSY comment about the boys' camp experience??? You suck big black bear balls!!!! Yes, I realize that many of you are still having issues regarding posting... not sure why, but whatevs... I'm WAITING...... I want to hear what you think, you oozing pus balls!!! I continue to feel like someone kicked me in the gut, and yet, I managed to write quite a detailed entry today... and another little one later. Busy? Out living your life? DON'T CARE!!! Grrrrr..... Shanny = mad !!! Tell me something.... ANYTHING!!!!
And ToJo, Nut & Nicole... extra super duper SMOOCHES TO YOOCHES!!!!!
The rest of ya? Zrrrrbbrrrrrttttt!!!!! Pfffftttttt! :-/
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
07 February 2011
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Dude~ did ya miss my post? I do not care to get "F**cked in the neck :)
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
I know you miss us.....
ReplyDeleteI would love the banter on Caring Bridge, but you are right...we need to move on and learn other ways to communicate with you. Once you are in ~ and you post a couple of times, with practice, blogging is easier.....
Anyway, about the camp......as usual, Reilly brings out the hero within himself with lots of nudging (pushing and shoving) from his mother. When he becomes President of the US...he better thank his mother FIRST!
Sweetheart Rory... You were probably going to bag the whole camp experience if he was way too stressed out about it. Kudos to Miss Skylar to make it an adventure for the little dude. And to have as his buddy named David rocked his world! I hope this experience will keep his spirits elevated and he can focus more on healing himself than missing his Dad so much he hurts. Keeping his father's memory alive is different than having the memories hurt him so much.
So zero due on the Subaru? Crazy awesome. Wish that could apply to the house. Bit of a stretch? One could only wish...
Hope you have a productive day.
Much Love
Auntie Nut
Is it only Tuesday?!? Poo. Have a great day!! T.
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteBTW - congratulations on the Subaru!! Freee and weeeeeeee!!!!! That is so incredibly awesome! Seriously, the death and darkness needs to move on - it has to be someone else's turn, for fuck's sake...
Things good here.. Have new job (same company) and deperately trying to keep my head above water these days. I am getting VERY excited to meet Krista's soon-to-be-borm baby girl! I think she has 3 weeks left. She will be an awesome mommmy.
Have a great night with your fam and Finn.