Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010
Oh Bon Bon....
Good God... Miss Bonnie, I'm SO sorry!!! What happened? I can't imagine Manny's sister was very old. Did she live close by? I have no real words of comfort, as there really aren't any, but know that I'm thinking of all of you and sending all of my love and hugs your way. Death. It's everywhere. And it never makes sense or gets any easier. Fuck.
I continue to wrestle with my gut, though it's clear to me that my original stomach virus has now morphed into a full blown IBD/UC episode. Lovely. I'm guessing the stress leading up to camp, then being sick and worrying that I wouldn't be able to pick up the boys, getting back home & into the routine, missing Finn... etc., I think all of that played a role. I also got a call from Wells Fargo yesterday. They received my packet, and now they want MORE documents. You have GOT to be kidding me. The only thing I didn't send was a sample of my bodily fluids. Stupid assholes. One of the things they want? D's death certificate. Get a CLUE people!!!! That was the FIRST thing I sent them back in JULY!!!! AAAGGGHHH!!!!! Scum sucking douche bags.
I'm home today with my lil man. He's not sick, rather having some fairly intense emotions relating to his time at camp. They told us that these reactions are not unusual, and to just be sensitive to them. So we went and rented him a movie and we're just going to have a low-key day together. (Good plan, since I need to be laying down most of the time anyway.) We had some fun together last night too, even though I was feeling like shiz. He got in bed with me and we practiced his weekly spelling words by going on the SpellingCity website. They have all kinds of word games to play and we did that for quite a while. I think Rei was needing some mom time too, as he also came and got in my bed. He's been on a mad tear making friendship bracelets for his camp peeps ever since we got home. He's never made them before and it's cute that he's so into it. When I was running errands on Monday he called and asked me to get this "wierd embroidery floss" for him to use. Helloooooo numb nuts! I used to be a CRAZY cross stitch queen and have every color ever manufactured of that shit. He was very pleasantly surprised. :0)
My sweet Finn continued to be his angelic self last night.... making dinner for everyone, overseeing homework, etc while I was in bed. Poor fucker... I'm pretty sure that's NOT what he signed up for!
At the moment, I'm feeling a little better than I did this morning. Going to try to take advantage of that fact to get some cleaning and laundry done. I already applied for yet another job within the school system this morning. Obviously, I've had zero luck there in the past, but still crossing my fingers.
In the garage this morning, I spied one of my favorite books... "Cancer on $5 a Day". It was written by one of my all-time favorite comedians, Bob Schimmel. Sadly, he died a few months ago, but it wasn't the cancer that got him. He'd received a tainted blood transfusion about 20 years ago and ended up with hepatitis. It's weird, because it attacked his liver in exactly the same way that D's cancer attacked his... he was dealing with the ascites, the jaundice, all of it. Very sad. Anyhoo, his book is a fuckin' laugh riot. You might want to check it out.
Love & hugs...
S
***I also posted the camp pics on Shutterfly... go see!
Uh 'scuse me.....
ReplyDeleteYou are feeling sorry for yourself again...Major funkititus.... Finn is a partner...HE gets it. Like you ~ he loves you for you ~ ucky tummy, etc. He has his own set of problems too....AND haven't YOU been there for him every step of the way? I'm not calling this payback, I'm calling it life. You have more fun times together. It is hard to see them when you are depressed and thinking that you aren't worth it. Enjoy having each other....the rest falls into place (eventually).
I love you ~ ya big booger!
Auntie N
Bonnie I am so sorry to hear such bad news. Thoughts and prayers for you. Shan, I am glad to hear you are feeling better! I knew there was a little bit of missing Finn in there. I hope you get back to 100% soon. Tennis tonight at H.P Pavilion. Weeeehooo! Happy Valentine's Day to me. Actually it was Cook's idea to go as our V-Day fun. Good call. Peace out, T.
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