Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

15 April 2011

Sooooo tired.....

Happy Friday. I couldn't be more thrilled that it's actually Friday... Spring Break is finally here. Yesterday was positively exhausting. The combination of Rory being so incredibly sad and needy, and Reilly continuing to be a rotten prick, seriously did me in. Rory was teary all day. I don't know if you've ever seen a 7 year old who is visibly depressed, but it's awful. My poor baby. We were in the bathroom at Reilly's game. He was washing his hands and just burst into tears. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "I'm just so sad that I'll never get to see daddy again". What the fuck am I supposed to say to that??? Then we were walking back to the stands and he said, "I wish I was a tiny speck so I could go inside daddy's body and blast the cancer out." Can you even imagine the emotional burden this little peanut is wrestling with??? Ugh. I'd give anything if I could fix it for him. 


Adding to that fun, was Reilly acting like a giant tool. He called me after school and proclaimed that he would be staying to watch the varsity game. Uh, no. He very rudely asked why not, and I told him that he'd obviously been up too late the night before, which was evidenced by the way that he behaved that morning. He told me I was ridiculous and promptly hung up on me. Nice. 


We got to the game, and it was a great one. Reilly threw some serious hits & even scored a goal... with my mom in attendance. Nice! They ended up winning 3-2. Sweet!!! It was very warm out yesterday, so I wore a tank top to the game. Yes, I wore it because of the weather, but I also did it to bug Reilly. Yeah... passive/aggresive... I know. Get over it.  But he hates when I do that, and he was such an ass to me yesterday that I did it on purpose. Take that, shit head. After the game, his shitty attitude continued. He walked over to TELL ME he'd be staying for the varsity game, and again, I made it clear that he wouldn't. He unleashed a verbal tirade that was, as usual, wildly inappropriate, and then stormed away to sit with his team. They did have to stay to watch the first quarter, as directed by the coach. I waited until he was seated with everyone and marched right up to him. "You may NOT speak to me that way & you'd better change your attitude NOW. Do you really want me to walk out on the field and tell the coach why I'm taking you home??? Because we both know I'll fuckin' do it. We are leaving after the first quarter." And I walked away. Humiliation of a teenager in front of his entire team can be quite effective. :0) Is this kid a complete idiot??? Hellooooo.... have we met? You'd think he'd have learned by now that I have NO problem embarrassing him while his friends watch. Yeah... talk to me like that at school again. You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Fucker.


Before that little episode I had been talking to my friend Nick. He's the dad of one of Reilly's friends, Megan. She's the one who was really there for him last summer. Anyhoo, he's a great guy and has no problem being seen with a pink-haired, tattooed pariah such as moi. In fact, last fall he went out of his way to come introduce himself and talk to me at the football games. I told him I was very worried about the ride home, and that Reilly's rage outbursts were again becoming a problem. It's a good thing Finn is there, as there have been nights I truly thought he'd come slit my throat while I slept. Nick immediately offered to drive him home for me. Reilly totally digs him and has great respect for him, so I thought it was a fabulous idea. After the ride home, they sat and talked in Nick's car for a good 20 more minutes. I don't know what he said to the kid, but he was almost nice to me when he came in the house. He also told Reilly that he'd like to spend some time with him next week, so they're planning to get together a couple of times. I LOVE that he has another strong man to talk to and emulate, and it's wonderful that Reilly already likes him so much. And I'm incredibly grateful that Nick is willing to go out of his way to help my kid... especially since he is a single, full-time dad to his own 4 kids. I don't know what motivates some people to reach out and help others like that, but I sure as hell appreciate it. 


Rory didn't have any nightmares last night, and actually slept all the way through til morning. Thank God. He's still pretty fragile this morning, but I think he's a little better than yesterday. It's a good thing spring break is here... that little guy needs some major one-on-one lovin'. Good thing I can't find a fuckin' job so I'll actually be there for the kid. 


Mucho to do-o, so I'd better hop to it. Happy Friday. 


:0)
S
 Reilly's goal on the board.
 Yard ape.
 Making a catch.
Victorious Wolverines!
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1 comment:

  1. Nicole MasonMonday, April 18, 2011 12:21:00 AM

    what a wonderful friend you and Riley both have in Nick. What a dear man he is to extend himself to you both.

    ReplyDelete

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