Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

13 April 2011

Howdy

Hey nutter butters. Very true To & Robin.... it was ALL I could do to NOT clock that bitch right in the face. She sure as fuck deserved it. I cannot even express to you the horrendous things she said to me. Oops... I mean, SCREAMED at me. It was unbelievable, horrendous and completely unreal. The woman that unleashed on me is the mom of one of Reilly's dearest friends. She's even the one who loaned me her van for race weekend. But the fact is, I only met the woman about 3 weeks ago and she knows ZERO about me, my life, etc. Yesterday afternoon she sent me a pathetic e-mail apology, referring to the "verbal diahhrea" that she said to me. Thought you might enjoy my response:


Verbal diarrhea, I can deal with... it's hateful, ignorant, vicious personal attacks that I will absolutely not stand for. Luckily for you, I have neither the time, energy, nor interest required to swim in the hideous lake of shit that you spewed at me. Contrary to popular opinion, I am far too busy spending every moment of my life trying to walk my children through the immense grief that they live with every day. I pray that you will never know what it is like to hold and rock your 15 year old son as he sobs, screams and asks why his dad had to die. I also hope that you never have to witness your 7 year old, with his heart ripped from his chest because he so desperately misses his daddy. The pain in our lives is a living presence... it is a visceral being that never fully goes away. There is also however, a great deal of laughter, joy and silliness in our home. It exists SOLELY because I have made it my mission to ensure that my boys are not defined by the fact that they lost their father. It is, to be sure, a large piece of the fabric of who they are, but I will not allow it to dictate who they become. 

Not only did you take aim squarely at me... the person I am, the mother I am, and the motives behind my life choices... you also successfully undermined me in front of my son to such a degree, that he now feels justified in his hideous, disrespectful behavior. After witnessing a respected adult act in such a crazed manner toward me, while saying such incredibly hurtful and INACCURATE things, he now truly believes all of the bullshit that had previously just been lurking in his twisted,15 year old head. You told him exactly what he wanted to hear... that HE is right, I am wrong, and that he is LAST on my list. I am having a hard enough time getting through to him... making sure he knows that I love him more than life itself... that I am his number one champion... and that ALL of my decisions are made based on what is best for my children... to have you scream at me, question me and judge me IN FRONT OF HIM did damage that I am not sure can be repaired. It is not my job to be his friend. My job is to try to usher him through the endless tidal waves of grief that he experiences, and hopefully help him to emerge healthy, happy and whole.

To be clear, I don't owe you ANY explanation.... none. Zip. Zero. But I want you to know how deeply you have hurt me and my relationship with my son. Judgment is an ugly thing, and I have no room for it it my life. To have you compare your struggles to mine??? Unacceptable. I would never, EVER do that. Whatever obstacles you have faced in your life are every bit as monumental to you, as mine are to me. To try to diminish one person's suffering in the face of another is NOT okay. 

I am a spectacular mother and a wonderful human being. I'm not being boastful... those are just the facts. All that you truly know about me is that I worked my ass off to raise $5300.00 for an incredible bereavement program that has helped my boys in innumerable ways, and then included Reilly's friends on a magical weekend that gave them the experience of a lifetime. Since that's all you have to go on, why don't you stick with that. It is a very small sliver, but it paints quite an accurate picture of the person that I am. 

I most certainly did not deserve the verbal abuse that I was forced to withstand, nor was it okay for you to put your hands on me. I don't know that I can move forward after that outrageous display, but I will not allow that hideous episode to interfere with the relationship between Reilly and Patrick. I adore Patrick and Reilly considers him his brother. 

My suggestion is that you might want to look inside yourself to discover why you lashed out at me. Being that you DON'T know me, I can only imagine that you are wrestling with your own demons, and instead projected them onto me.  I don't know what else to say, except that I hope you will eventually be able to forgive yourself for what you have done.

Shannon

Whaddya think? I thought I showed GREAT restraint. This bitch threatened to report me to CPS and to call the police for allowing such behavior to occur in my home. Seriously???? Get a fuckin' grip. It continues to boggle my mind that some people have the temerity to not only pass judgment, but to specifically attack another person as a woman, a mother and a human being. She must have a lot of fuckin' free time. Ugh. 

Big surprise, my mamasan is at school with the wee ones. She promised Rory that she'd stay for lunch, so my guess is that she's there for the day! :0) It couldn't have come at a better time... Rory is really hurting and definitely needs to feel extra special. Poor shmoo. :( 

Crazy rain again all night long... is it bad that I'm hoping the fields will be closed so we have no soccer practice tonight? Time to skedaddle... have a fab day. 

:0)
S
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5 comments:

  1. Collin's Mom CarolineWednesday, April 13, 2011 11:36:00 AM

    Well written chica.

    Proud of you!

    I am so sorry you had to endure that.

    I respect the grace you demonstrated in not killing her during her tirade and that you recognize the shit is her problem and not yours.

    Sending you huge hugs and Whopping AOT
    Prayers too
    Spunky

    ReplyDelete
  2. qualityflooringcWednesday, April 13, 2011 1:07:00 PM

    What " did you allow in your home?" What is she talking about? Where did she do this yelling? Is this why Reily shot the bee-bees? Totally unaceptable to speak to you in that manner and never in front of your children. Try to again rise above and continue on your path to a new life. Love E

    ReplyDelete
  3. ~Mom~Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:39:00 PM

    She was so wrong....so terribly wrong. I don't care if you slaughtered a pig in the entry of your house or practiced devil worship with your children. NO ONE....ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should EVER do what she did to you in front of your son. What a complete ASSHOLE. And to touch you in any way...she should be arrested. Yep...Kudos to you for not shoving a fork in her eye. I know how hard it is for you to build up your own personal resources. So easy to tear down anyway. This woman was a tsunami! I hope you never hear from the bitch again. Sorry Reilly may lose a friend over this. Clearly she will have a problem ever facing you again.
    You have lots of love headed in your direction. Sorry, it's 3000 miles away....big hugs.
    xoxo
    AN

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  4. RobinWednesday, April 13, 2011 2:33:00 PM

    More than anything, I hope this woman tells Reilly how WRONG she was...not just you. He is the one who needs to hear it most.

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nicole MasonSunday, April 17, 2011 11:56:00 PM

    WTF is up with this woman?? Who does this shit?? Totally unfucking believable! Auntie Nut summed up my thoughts very well. Amazing.....

    You are and awesome mom, daughter, and friend. Don't ever think otherwise. <3

    ReplyDelete

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