Hey cheesies... what's shakin'? I am beyond exhausted. Had to go get Rei at school last night right at Rory's bedtime. He's so needy right now and was so teary... he just wouldn't go down for my mom. When we got back I calmed him down and snuggled him for a few minutes and he finally fell asleep. I went around doing all of my evening shiz... dogs, cats, laundry... you know the drill. I think I got in bed about 11:30. I was just starting to let down and relax when I thought I heard Rory crying. I went in his room to check, and he was curled up in a ball in his bed just sobbing. "Mommy... I'm so sad... I miss daddy so much... I want him to be here..." It was awful. Sang to him, rocked him, soothed him and got him calm again. I finally got back to bed, and it happened again... and again... and again. 4 times in all. Talk about seeing your baby with his heart ripped out of his chest... it was soul-shattering. I don't know what triggered it for him last night, but it felt like July 2010 all over again. I ended up laying with him and rubbing his little head until he was deeply asleep. Allow me to say it again.... FUCKIN' CANCER. He was still pretty fragile this morning. Luckily, my mom was scheduled to do an art project with his class first thing today. That poor little munchkin.... I'd give anything to take all of this pain away from him.
Reilly came home with a new attitude last night. We had a great talk on the way home, though the kid is a bit delusional. He had the balls to ask me to stop by the DMV to get him a study guide for the driver's permit test. Yeah... right. Have we met??? Just because you're legally allowed to take the test on April 25th, doesn't mean you've earned the privilege. What a moron. It also didn't help his case that he got up this morning and acted like a giant dick. Seriously dude???? You have NO room to be a douche right now!!!!
I was happy to hear last night that he and his friends had made a plan to deal with the basement. Their idea is to come over Friday after school to get started with the bb removal & spackling. The bummer for me is that I'm going to have to supervise the whole fuckin' thing.... not taking a chance with them half-assing it. The other problem? I painted that basement 9 years ago... not a chance that I'll be able to match the paint. Guess they'll have to paint the whole damn thing. Too bad for them.
SO great to hear from you Miss Elise!!! Howz life as a newlywed? LOVED your beautiful wedding photos and hope your crew is well and happy. :0)
Miss To... really? My words were a "scalpel"? "Carved her up with surgical precision"? Coming from you, I'll take that as a massive compliment, but I didn't think I was that harsh. Trust me, I didn't say nearly the things I wanted to say, but I'm pretty sure she got the memo... haven't gotten a response to my e-mail. :0)
Another home lacrosse game tonight. Glad my mom will get to see Rei play. I'm sure many of you are wondering why I'm letting the kid continue to play after his behavior of late. Yes, it's the thing he cares about most in the world & taking it away would certainly send a serious message. However, his therapist told me long ago that as far as punishments go, sports need to be off the table. He needs it. He needs the structure, the discipline, the camaraderie, the physical outlet and the influence of his coaches. So he gets to keep lacrosse. True, I've pulled him from a couple of practices and the game the other day, but I'm not pulling him from the team.
Guess I'd better scoot... off to get my hairs did. Thank GOD. I'm SO overdue. Have a good one.
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey Chica;
ReplyDeleteBB- guns in the mancave. Think the BB gun needs to go on craigs list no matter who gave it to him. Esp. since the adult responsible for the purchase is not able to supervise the correct use of a weapon. My jack ass neighbors down the road gave their kids bb -guns. They killed a bunch of my neighbors chickens and my daughters cat (on Marissa's birthday) I did call the police and was told bb guns are not considered firearms - I told them to explain it to the dead cat and livestock. I have not seen the little assholes with it since but they had also been shooting at a hawk so I guess when I reported them to fish and game they came over and had a serious chat with the jack ass family regarding a dead by bb gun hawk in the area and at 25 thousand dollar fine. They had no actual proof these kids shot the hawk but....they don't trapse around with the bb guns anymore.
Heart goes out to Rory. Poor little sweetie pie.
AOT
Spunky
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteLife is good and happy to hear that you have Finn. Sorry to hear that Rory had such a hard time, breaks my heart. The boys will be fine in the end because they have a Mother who loves them, puts them first and is easing them through the pain they are going through. Stay strong and true to yourself, you know what is best and you love them.
Elise