Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010
WARNING: Losers in mirror are closer than they appear...
Awesome. I have now officially achieved 'loser' status. My fucking cell phone was shut off this morning because of non-payment. How in the hell am I supposed to keep my home if I can't even pay my phone bill???? Yes, I just went online and made a payment, but I feel like a big, fat failure... at everything. Having things shut of = not good for Shan's self-esteem. It would certainly help if I could get a job... any job... and at least bring in something. So yes... I will be having a wee pity party for myself today and I don't want to hear a fuckin' thing about it.
I'm sticking close to home today, as Leilei has her poetry presentation later this morning. Finn is so sad that he can't be there, but I promised to record it for him. Other than that, I have a huge stack of scary mail that needs attention. I'd rather be basted in honey and covered by a mountain of fire ants than deal with that shit. I also just got a notice from Nave Federal that there is a registered letter at the post office, for DAVID. These people couldn't be any MORE stupid. They were the first ones to be notified of his death. They've had the documentation since the 2nd of JULY. Usually, things for him arrive attention to me as 'estate administrator'. But these fucknuts have sent 3 of these damn things, addressed specifically to him. I have yet to go retrieve one. Woe be the postal worker who sees the name and asks for my ID.... they'll be getting a "I don't think he'll make it in, since he's DEAD." It won't be pretty. And you know how I feel about that???? FUCK 'EM IN THE NECK!!!!!
Also on my agenda is the glorious task of digging through all of David's shit to find any and all relevant tax documents. Getting a red hot fire poker up the ass sounds like a more pleasureable way to spend my morning.
And before you lecture me about having 'funkitis', go piss up a rope. I'm not in a funk. I'm PISSED!!!!!!!
Off to go hang myself in the barn. I wonder if anyone would notice. Nobody from this neck of the woods, I can guarantee you that.
Right this minute.... I fucking HATE my life.
As per your request, To.
S
***I just added a few new pics under the 'Check Out This Shiz' section.
OK. Steering clear of this one. Guess you earned the right! I don't know how some of these "people" do it. HOw thick skinned do you have to be to call grieving families and ask for $$ and pin you down and make you feel bad. FUCK! All I can say.
ReplyDeleteI love you ~ hang (not literally and not in the barn please) in there!
AUNTIE NUT