Crazy beautiful weather today... we always get a few days in January or February that are unseasonably warm. I've had the windows open in the house all day.... I have SO missed having the fresh air in the house. It's supposed to be in the 70's again tomorrow, and then dip back down to our regular winter chill. The kids have had a BLAST playing outside the last couple of afternoons. :0) They'd better enjoy it tomorrow too, since it'll be the last warm one for a while.
Rory had his grief group tonight. It was another good one, but I think they explored some pretty serious emotions. He came out fairly drained and wanted to talk a lot about daddy. Well, he always wants to talk about daddy, but this was different. I love that he's able to share his feelings so freely with me. I hate that he has to experience ANY of that shit, but you know what I mean.
Miss Bobbin... funny that you mentioned your cards. I've been privileged to receive hundreds and hundreds of cards over the past couple years. I have saved every single one. They are all in a HUGE basket on a table in my entry way. All except for two, that is... you made me the two COOLEST cards that I have ever seen. They have a place of honor on a very special cork board in my room. It has a bright pink frame around it... duh... and is really cute. The only things on the board are your 2 cards, and a picture of a pink VW Beetle that Theresa sent me. I look at it multiple times every day, and it always makes me smile. :0)
I was quite a scrapbooker, once upon a time... before building this house. Then the build became my full-time job, and that was the end of that. I never had a chance to get into card making. I went to a couple of Stamp It Up parties when the card craze was in it's infancy about 10 years ago, but never went any further with it. I don't see myself as particularly creative... if I see something in a book or magazine, it might give me an idea and then I'll run with it. But on my own? I can't seem to come up with shit. Even with the jewelry. I can already tell I'm going to need to surf the web for pattern ideas. I do have a spectacular way with putting colors together... if I do say so myself... but that's where my creativity ends.
My poor Finn got the ol' fuckeroo from Jayden's sitter this afternoon. It's very interesting.... she often seems to fall 'ill' on Thursdays, and is then unable to watch Jayden on Friday. Nice. She could have at least given him the courtesy of telling him before 4:30 pm. Moron. He spent eons on the phone trying to find a family member to help him out, and finally got a hold of his grandma. She's more than happy to help, but she lives in fucking Gaithersburg... almost an hour away. So he'll be making quite the trek tomorrow at o' dark thirty. Eew. I'm hoping that she'll at least keep him overnight though... we'd love to go to the big Woodgrove game tomorrow night.... Rory's chomping at the bit... but no way Jayden could make that. When youre 2 1/2 and your day starts at 4:30 a.m., 7:30 p.m. activities are NOT advised.
We're all counting the minutes until my mamasan arrives on Saturday evening. The first graders are already planning basement sleepovers for Saturday and Sunday nights. :0) Movies, popcorn, hot cocoa and Gee.... what could be better than that?
Time for me to hit it. I'm not even going to TELL you my latest Mom O' The Year story... it's FAR too humiliating. Sometimes I'm really an idiot. Have a good one.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Looks like we did a weather swap! We had temps in the 70's last week and it was fabulous. I had the windows open at every opportunity to air the place out. Then I went and made the mistake of buying a couple new pairs of sandals. Yup, I did it. I brought on the rain and chill. It has been raining off and on all week and it's been windy and cold. Not your neck of the woods cold, but cold for us babies in California!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you enjoy my cards. They are a work of love for me. You are smart to stay away from them since all that scrapbook/card stuff is a money pit! Richard no longer asks "what's in the box" when packages come :)
have a fab weekend!
aot
r~
Hi Honey,
ReplyDeleteI am again so proud of your strength in taking care of your family! I am jealous, you have a beautiful little girl to spoil now! Hang in there girl and enjoy your lovely boyfriend and enjoy your mom too! Happy you have lovely warm weather to soothe your soul....I remember warm winter days in Colorado and I loved them...even though they didn't last. God Loves You and so do I!! aot,t
I have an idea for a "care" package for you. Surprise Surprise!
ReplyDelete