Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

15 February 2011

AAAGGGHHHH!!!!

What the FUCK???? Okay universe.... I've SERIOUSLY had enough. I continue to work incredibly hard, every day to be a genuinely good human being. I volunteer in my children's schools.... I volunteer in the community... I do informal outreach for Life With Cancer... I donate blood on a regular basis... I'm working my ASS off to mother my children AND Finn's children, since their own mother doesn't give a fat fuck about them... I stop and save turtles crossing the road... I attend funerals of people I've never met, just to show support to their loved ones... I offer my assistance to strangers who need a hand... I am kind to all animals... I love my family... I'm a very good friend... I try to focus on the positive, even when I don't feel like doing it AT ALL... WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???? 


I've got bill collectors so far up my ass that I'm sure they could perform a tonsillectomy on me... I can't get arrested, let alone get a job... and I continue to get fucked by the pharmaceutical and insurance companies, straight up the ass without benefit of lube. I just picked up 3 of my scrips for the month... one for asthma, one for my tummy, and one for my crazy. The grand total? 350 bucks. NO problem... let me pluck that right outta my ass for ya. Why in the HELL am I paying for this pathetic excuse for insurance??? Oh yeah.... cuz if I don't and my 'coverage' lapses for 90 days, I'll never be insurable again. Sweet. 


Yes, I DO have a few things going for me.... my incredible family that is flung far and wide... my wonderful friends... who are mostly far away too... my beautiful new family here at home, and especially my amazing Finn. That said, I've really had enough of this other shit. And I'm SO tired of being Miss Whiny McPoutypants... but I can't get away from this shit. It's like a fucking tick, or a leech that I just can't get  rid of. I want to move on.... next phase, please... preferably one without such horrific emotional pain, trauma to my children or death. It's awfully hard to do that while my tummy is staging a full-fledged coup. Yeah... felt totally like myself tummy-wise yesterday... and now it's all kerfuffled again. FUCK!!!!!
That pretty much sums it up.


Me


***I DO want to send extra special love & hugs to my amazing and wonderful Autie and Godmother... Miss Elaine.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the special delivery you sent. I appreciate it more that you'll ever know. I love you. :0)
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5 comments:

  1. RobinTuesday, February 15, 2011 4:04:00 PM

    You are not whiney at all...and you are doing NOTHING wrong. The universe just sucks right now :(

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. ~Mom~Tuesday, February 15, 2011 5:43:00 PM

    All I can say is "what a bunch of assholes!"

    I love you hunny bunny!

    ReplyDelete
  3. MerTuesday, February 15, 2011 6:17:00 PM

    Oh Shan!!!

    Miss Whiny McPoutypants??? I've got to keep that one somewhere and use it wisely!!! I laughed so suddenly it almost made me fall outta my chair!

    I love you sooooo much sweetcheeks!! I know you don't wanna but hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ToniTuesday, February 15, 2011 8:57:00 PM

    Next time, do "the finger" without the knuckles, just for variety. T.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nicole MasonWednesday, February 16, 2011 12:46:00 AM

    I know I am not alone, when I say that I am rooting for you!! The death biz, is just shitty and I am sorry you and the boys have to go through it - Let alone all the other stuff. You are doing a great job; even though I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Hang in there <3

    ReplyDelete

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