For the second time in a matter of days, I have been 'surprised' by a visit from the man/child in the family. It seems that he & Reilly make plans, and then just happen to clue me in when he's about to show up. I REALLY fucking hate that. Today though, it actually worked out in my favor. Reilly was DESPERATE to go back to Austen's today, and told me that C would be here around 5ish. They'd work on the continuing computer problem and then he was planning to take the boys out for dinner. Let me back up... Rory had a birthday party to attend in Leesburg this morning, so we were out and about early. As soon as we got back from that, I had to take Rei the 97 miles to Austen's. Okay.... so it's not really 97 miles... it just feels like it. This is a long and complicated story, so let me just tell you that Reilly was telling C one thing, and me another. He even went so far as to cancel their plans, and told me it was C who couldn't make it. I was PISSED. He had already told Rory the plan yesterday, and the munchkin was really excited. This was all becoming very reminiscent of Steve's behavior... he's Reilly's Godfather, and is now OUT of the picture. Next thing I know, the phone rings. It's C, and we pieced together Reilly's lil web o' lies that he told so he could stay at Austen's. Will this kid NEVER learn???? Does he really think I'm just gonna let him skate? Uh, no. Since C was already on his way, we decided to have him just show up at Austen's to grab the teen aged tool. It was fab.... he TOTALLY didn't see that coming. Bwahahahahaaaaa!!!!
When they got here, he was very smart and avoided me like the plague. I only saw him a few minutes ago, as they were getting ready to leave for dinner. Interesting.... the kid had a few little speckles of glitter on his face. Hmmmm..... howEVER did THAT happen??? I called him on it & he immediately turned 14 shades of purple. :0) Then I said to him, "are you getting the memo that deceiving your mother is NEVER going to work out well for you???" Yeah... we'll be having a more in-depth conversation this evening.
Oddly, I'm alone in the house. Weird. Finn is in Maryland picking up the kids, so here I am. We had a great date night last night, thanks to some fab gift cards provided by my mamasan. Dinner and a movie... dayum, that boy makes me laugh til I cry!!! We saw the movie "Company Men". It was very good, but hit just a bit too close to home for me. The circumstances were totally different, but the fallout was the same. This huge company downsized and let go all of these people who'd been living well for years, and assumed their futures were secure. Then, one at a time, they have to sell a car... cancel the gym membership... lose the house... fight with creditors over the phone... ugh. It gave me a tummy ache.
After all of the schlepping this morning, I've continued my never-ending quest to clean this house and catch up on laundry. It hasn't helped that my tummy's been kinda wonky all day. Seriously.... I think it was the movie. I was exhausted last night, but laid awake until after 3. My head and my gut ALWAYS let me know when there's something to worry about. Eew. I've gotta tell ya... I'm pretty fuckin tired of ALWAYS having ENORMOUS things to worry about.
Ooh... shot gun blast. Some prick hunter just murdered Bambi. Nice. That's country livin.
Later gators...
xoxo
S
***I've decided to put my ridiculous investment in scrubs to good use... I'll be wearing super cute pink ones for the Valentine's Day blood drive tomorrow. I'll be volunteering there all day... I may as well look official. ;-)
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey..did you get the COncord pics?
ReplyDeleteMy face is the QAS alum pic.
It was fun to hang out with your mom and
Her sibs.
Watching the Grammys.
Rhianna's dress! OMG!
Nothing....nothing left to the imagination.
Wasn't a very cute dress.
Nighty night!
love & hugs
AN
<3
Just when I thought Reilly was doing so well...knucklehead. He will learn...someday :)
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Happy Valentine's Day!! T.
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day Miss Sunshine!
ReplyDeleteYep I know you're pissed at me for being on another cruise - work related or not! No excuses.
I have just spent the past hour catching up on all your postings...the posting about the boys camp had me in tears. What an amazing time the boys had at camp. What an amazing organization. It is hard to believe that we even need camps like this but bless all those who run the camps and all their supporters. It was good too that you got verification that you are doing something right with your boys. Sorry to hear your stomach didn't allow you to enjoy your weekend more.
I'm glad to hear the boys got so much out of the camp and that Reilly is reaching out and helping others in need. It is clear he has a gift for helping others. You must be one proud mama!! :)
As for his teenage antics...didn't we all go through those when we were his age...no excuses though. Just keep loving him and praising him for the good he does. You are doing a great job with your boys.
Great news about the car loan and the credit card being paid off. Here's hoping that Wells Fargo comes to the party for the loan mods.
Bless your financial planner and all he is doing for you and all the services he is getting for you for free! AWESOME!! Means that things are definitely looking up for you and the good will keep coming your way. Just keep sending out those positive vibes into the universal and they will bounce back at ya.
I'm so glad that you have Finn in your life. He has been a true godsend for you and the fact that you both have so much fun together and truly love each other is icing on the cake.
Give Saundra a big hug from me when you next see her. Glad they started up a group for you guys. I know how much support groups can help so I know you will get a lot out of it.
Love Ya,
Helen
Hi -
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to send you a Valentine's Day hello. So glad that you have the wonderful Finn in your life. He is such a blessing. Sorry the tummy is acting up. Do what you can and the rest will work its self out. :-)
Cheers!