Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

17 February 2011

A little better...

No, nothing has changed... still fairly pissed at the universe. However, I went to school a while ago to watch Leighanna present her poem. She did a great job and was SO happy that I was there. As soon as she finished, she ran over to me and gave me a huge kiss and hug. HA! Fuck YOU universe... I'm clearly doing SOMETHING right. She knew that poem because of the time I'd spent working with her, and she came running to me because I'm mothering her. Yeah... suck on that. Feeling pretty good about it. :0)


As soon as I got home, I set about shoveling shit. Yes, actual shit this time. I still cannot believe that with 11 acres, I have to kepp 2 of my dogs tethered to the front porch. Obviously, they can't get very far, so they dump right in the front yard. It's lovely. By the time I was finished, I was positively seething with rage at the insensitive asshole neighbors that have made this situation what it is. I decided the only way to combat my feelings, was to do something completely selfish. So I did. Remember me telling you that I knew making Finn that necklace would get me on a jewelry making kick? Guess what... it happened. I just spent the last hour making my first bracelet... also for Finn... and my very first pair of earrings. Gonna keep those for myself. All of the findings are sterling silver and I think they're really darling. I've definitely missed having a creative outlet... it certainly put me in a better head space. The pics don't really do them justice, but here they are anyway.
 Kinda fuzzy... I used amethyst beads.
Finn's is made of small round sections of natural shells.

At least I provided myself some momentary relief. 

S


***And just one more tidbit proving to the universe that I am a SHANTASTIC human being... I got stuck behind a guy at a toll booth last night. There was clearly a problem, so I got out to help. Turns out, he's from out of town & doesn't have a credit card. That's the ONLY way to pay... no humans in the booth... no cash... so I paid his toll. He offered me the cash, but I just said no thanks... have a nice evening. :0)
Posted by at

3 comments:

  1. ~Mom~Thursday, February 17, 2011 1:41:00 PM

    You are an angel. Poor guy. Also, I love the fact the LeiLei loves you so much. What child wouldn't want you to care for them. You have so much to give. I am sure it's nice to have a girl around the house to share girlie talks and fun. She is a lucky girl.
    xoxo
    AN

    ReplyDelete
  2. ToniThursday, February 17, 2011 3:27:00 PM

    Well, I can't decide. With knuckles, without; obviously a Master Bird Flipper either way. T.

    ReplyDelete
  3. RobinThursday, February 17, 2011 6:00:00 PM

    Good stuff sister...love the jewelry. Doing stuff like that is a great outlet. My cardmaking is something I do for me. It totally relaxes me and I love giving cards to people. Some of my friends kids, even boys, tell me that is what they look forwad to every year for their birthdays so of course I need to make them extra special :)Enjoy this outlet!

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)