Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

09 June 2011

Wow....

Hi again. Something amazing happened at the pool today... had to tell you about it. I ran into a woman named Linda. She the wife of one of the guys that worked for David at SDSI. I don't know her well... we'd met on a handful of occasions, attended black tie dinners together, etc. She started out by asking about the boys, etc., and then asked me if I was able to see David before he died. Uh, yeah... I was there multiple times every fuckin' day. Oddly, I'd never run into her... she visited him several times in his final few days. I had no idea. Big shocker that no one from that family told me she'd been there. On one of her visits... when David was near the very end & had already lapsed into unconsciousness... she went in to sit with him and read bible verses about how he was going to be free of pain, free of his body that had given up on him, etc. Just hearing that moved me to tears. Those asholes have never believed in anything and always smirked at me or made rude comments when I'd pray over David. I was so happy to know that I wasn't the only one doing it. 


That would have been more than enough... but it gets better


Linda actually had a few words with the Troll during a visit. Hearing that, I was positively thrilled. Linda is a very strong Scottish girl who doesn't take any shit, and I had a feeling I'd have LOVED to have been there. This is the conversation that Linda relayed to me:


Linda: Has Shannon been to see David today?


Troll: No. I don't know when or if she'll even show up.


Linda: I think we need to make sure she has some time alone with her husband. 


Troll: Well, I don't know if you've heard...


Linda: Oh I've heard. I know it all. But the fact is that they are still married.  She is his wife. He made vows to her and she deserves to be with him at the end.


Troll: Well, David would have to be the one to okay that. 


Linda: He's not able to do that now, is he? It's the right thing to do & you need to make it happen. 


Oh. My. God. I LOVE HER!!!!! I don't know why  simply knowing about that wee conversation, I'm  filled with a sense of satisfaction. Maybe because Linda was basically neutral in the whole situation, and still called the Troll on her bullshit. Fantastic. There were many tears and many hugs. I feel like we were meant to see each other today. :0)


xoxo
S

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