Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

06 June 2011

Didja miss me???

Hey doodle bops! Have you wondered why I haven't been posting? Well..... I left Saturday's soccer tournament after the first game, headed to the airport, and hopped a plane to Cali!!!! Oh yeah... stayed in a hotel on Saturday night and shocked the shit out of my mom by surprising her during her retirement party!!!! I kept it on the serious down-low... the only people who knew I was coming were my uncle John, Elaine (the gal who did most of the work for the party) and my KD girls. I had to tell them because I want to see them!!!! Good news... we're having dinner tonight! :0)


I don't have time right this minute to give you all of the details, but let me just say, the party was a SMASHING SUCCESS!!!! There were about 300 guests, fabulous food, amazing decorations and tons of hugs & tears. It was wonderful... the perfect celebration for her, and a wonderful treat for me too. :0) Here's one of my favorite pics from yesterday... my KD Sister Theresa drove up from LA yesterday...
Just a teensy bit surprised to see Theresa!

I didn't take nearly as many pictures yesterday as I was planning to... I was far too busy chatting, hugging & bawling my eyes out! Good news though, one of my mom's parents is a professional photographer & she was the official event photog. I've also created a new photo website where all guests can go to upload their pics and videos. If you were at the party, PLEASE share your pics!!!! Here is the site info:

www.welovemrsb.shutterfly.com
password: altavista

I'm hoping that pics will start pouring in mid-week... they're sending out their weekly e-mail blast to all of the Alta Vista families & the site info will be there. It will take me some time to organize and edit all of the pics, but it's already looking cute, so go take a peek. There is also a place where you can leave a message for my mom, so please do! 

I spent the morning at school watching the dress rehearsal for her final Glee Club performance tonight. It was great & I had fun visiting her class too. Time to head back over to joing her for lunch. I'll write again as soon as I can. 
We love first graders!!!

With my KD girlz Lisa & Theresa at the party. 

Gotta scram.... love you!
xoxo
S
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2 comments:

  1. ToniTuesday, June 07, 2011 1:17:00 AM

    It can be so satisfying to have a moment when you look back at your life and say, you know what? I made the right decision all those years ago. I should have trusted myself. Stay frosty, Toni Marucci

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  2. Nicole MasonTuesday, June 07, 2011 1:49:00 AM

    How fantastic that you were able to surprise your mom - and stay for a few days!!!! I KNOW you are having a fab time!!! Can't wait to hear how you pulled off the big surprise for your mamasan!!!

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