Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

07 June 2011

Heading home today... :(

Yo mo fos.... wazzzzzup??? Had the most spectacular time with my KD girls last night. So many laughs... an absolute blast. I'm so thankful to them for dropping everything on such short notice so we could get together while I'm in town. I told 'em yesterday that they were the cherry on top of my Cali trip sundae. :0) We sure missed our Bon Bon... but really, she showed us her true colors by not being there. Much like Sister Sue... who was absent again... these two bitches put their families first. Are you kidding me???? So basically, what you're saying is that a long-planned family trip & your kid's graduation are more important than ME??? How DARE you!!!! And you call yourselves my Sisters.... whatEVER! Heee hee!
With Beth, Teri & Heidi. Yes, Beth is a life-long boobie grabber. Disgusting. 
With Theresa & Robin. T & I were roommates for years!

What fun it was to just sit and chat and catch up with everyone. They always get to hear about me and all of my bullshit because of this blog. It was nice to hear about them for once!!! Although, I am a little worried about Robin. I think it's entirely possible that I may have scarred her for life. We all know that I can sometimes use what may be described as colorful language... and last night Robin heard some things that made her turn colors!!! 50 shades of red, I'd say... it was hilarious. It's never my intention to shock and appall people.... but evidently, I do. These are the ABC's of me baby!!!! Take it or leave it. I'm VERY happy to say that my KD girlz seem to love me just the way I am. :0) 

And now on to some very important business.... Toni.... what the fuck happened to you the other night??? You heinous bitch!!!! Not only was I looking forward to catching up, my mom was dying to see you AND she wanted to meet Cookie!!! You are in deep shit my friend, and you must be punished. Here's how it's gonna be... my mom finishes the school year on Friday and then heads to Virginia on Wednesday the 15th. You need to call & make a date with her sometime in those few days. Not only that, but you are going to set up a g-mail account for her & show her how to post on my site. That is your penance. Got it??? GOOD!!! 

I still have so much to tell you about the party and some unexpected things that I experienced, but for now, I have to head to school to say bye bye to the mamasan and then drive my ass to SFO and fly home. Booooooooo. Damn... I never realize how much I miss home until I actally get here. And this trip was so short... it was just a mean ol' tease. I will be very happy to see my sweet Finn, my love bug Rory & the other lil ones, but Reilly? Not so much. He has been a complete DICK while I've been gone & has made this as difficult for me as possible. I worked so hard to organize everything, set-up play dates, delegate responsibilities, etc so that my absence would have the least impact possible... especially on Finn. But Reilly has fought me every step of the way and made things even more difficult and left Finn with way more to deal with than I had planned. Oh well... I hope he doesn't have anything fun planned in the near future, cuz I can tell ya'.... it ain't gonna happen!!! What a shit head. I guess it's a good thing that I don't have 3 nickels to rub together and won't be going on a girls' trip this summer... it's clear that I can't leave home... ever again!!! Aaaaggghhhhh!!!!

Gotta fly... literally!
xoxo 
S
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