Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

09 June 2011

And she's back!

Hey my little reader monkeys. Sorry it's been a few days. I have to tell you, I was so excited to learn at the party that there are so many people reading... they just don't post. I'm thrilled to know that you're out there!!! So let me paint the picture for you... Sunday morning I was at my hotel. I called my mudda to wish her a happy party day and we ended up being on the phone for an hour! Holy shit... that was ROUGH!!! As you might have surmised, I pretty much tell it like it is. Add to that, I've never really had occasion to need to lie to my mother. It was HORRIBLE!!!! She cried and told me how much she wished I could be there, & I told her that if there had been any way to work it out, I'd have been there in a minute, etc. I was lying my ASS OFF!!!!! The party started at 2 and she told me she would be there about 1:45. It worked out perfectly, as I had to check out of my hotel at 1. So I went to mom's house to get dressed. Even that felt so wrong!!! Just being in her house when she didn't know I was in town... eew! It was oogie. I had made a plan with Elaine (the room mother) that I'd arrive at about 2:45. I called her when I got to school & she ran out to meet me. We'd been talking and e-mailing constantly for weeks, so it was fun to finally meet her. She went back in, brought mom up to the front, and got up to the mic & said, "Mrs. B., we have one more little surprise for you..." and I ran in. She was looking all around... in every direction but the one from which I was coming... so I basically came up behind her. In an instant, she was sobbing. It was awesome. :0) She even told me that she'd been holding out a tiny shred of hope that I might surprise her, until we talked that morning... then she knew for sure I wouldn't be there. Hee hee! 
Happy party girlz. 


I can't even tell you what an incredible celebration it was. There were SO MANY people... about 300... they just kept coming and coming. My mama was a rockstar and it was so cool to watch. There were colleagues she hadn't seen in many years, former students who are now adults, friends new and old, family, etc. Spectacular. Funny though, it almost felt like a party for me too... there were so many people that I was thrilled to see as well. The part that caught me by surprise, was how emotional it became for me. Except for a couple of family members, I hadn't seen any of these people since David died, and most of them I hadn't seen since before he was diagnosed. It was such a healing experience for me. Why, you might ask? Because no one acted like they didn't know me... no one just breezed by the fact that my husband died and that my boys lost their daddy. It was an incredible outpouring of love, compassion and support... what I've needed for the past year. 


Some of the moments were positively heartbreaking. I saw Jason White across the room... hadn't seen him in years. But he lost his dad to cancer... his wife to cancer... and then his mother committed suicide. And he's younger than me. We hugged and sobbed for a very long time... it was that instant understanding... no words required. Then I saw a high school friend, Mary. She lost her mom to cancer. Same thing. It's a club to which I never wanted to belong, but the only people who really get it, are the other members. 


I finally got to meet so many people who have offered their prayers and wrote on my CaringBridge page for years. Everyone looked me in the eye & acknowledged my loss.... for once, I was NOT invisible.  It was incredibly powerful, and a beautiful side-effect of the gathering that I hadn't anticipated. 
I got to meet Ethan... Rory's pen pal!!!

After the party, our family & a few friends went back to mom's for dinner. My aunt Elaine had prepared a fabulous Mexican fiesta, and we all ate and talked for hours. I had a chance to just talk & talk & talk... mostly to my Uncle Mel & my cousin Tommy. I unleashed with some serious verbal diahrrea, as I recounted the events of David's last days... and they listened. I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd actually talked to people about it.... I don't see my therapist anymore & I no longer have a support group. Clearly, I needed to talk. 


It was a brilliant, amazing and fabulous event. My mom is still overwhelmed! I don't think she'll fully absorb it all until we have a chance to go through all of the pictures. I've been working furiously on mine and hope to have them up today or tomorrow. I started on them yesterday morning, and actually fell asleep... sitting up in my car... with my computer open on my lap. Yep.... tiiiiired.


My Finn is truly an angel.... he is the reason that I was able to be there. When I told him how much I wished I could go, his response was, "so go... if you don't, you'll always regret it." When I brought up the logistical nightmare regarding the kids, the dogs, work, etc., he simply said, "I'll do whatever needs to be done. I'll make it happen. Go." See? Me luvvvves him. It took quite a bit of planning and a team of people to make the trip doable. I had Chris come to the second soccer game on Saturday & take the boys with him. We planned for him to spend the night & then take the boys fishing in the morning.  Roy had to take his kids to spend the night at his parents, as he had to work at 4:30 Sunday morning. And by the way....  these extra weekend shifts he's been taking were specifically so he could build up some time off while I was gone. Since he leaves so early, I'm the one who always gets the kids to school. But Monday and Tuesday he had to take off 4 hours in the morning each day, so that he could do it. Then Rory & Leilei rode the bus home to one friend's house on Monday, and another's on Tuesday. Those play dates gave Roy the opportunity to work, get Jayden & then pick up the kids by 5. Just planning all of that was ridonculous!!!! 


I got off the plane Tuesday night to discover the hideous humidity had returned. Fuckin gross. I made sure to call & have Finn close everything up and turn on the air. He laughed. He thinks I'm such a princess. Uh, no. It's just that I didn't grow up with this fuckin' jungle-like weather!!! He grew up in a house with no air... his parents still don't have it... so it doesn't bug him. David was the same way... they didn't have air in his house growing up, nor did they have it at The Naval Academy... and he lived on the 4th floor!!!! Uck!!! 


More trip stuff to share, but I'll get to that later. I've decided to be a disgustingly lazy slug for a few days. Once the kids get out of school next week, I'm done. It's over. Freedom gone. And I'll never get to be a full-time mom again. Once school starts for me in a couple weeks, it's gonna be balls to the wall for the foreseeable future. I cleaned a lot yesterday, did a bunch of laundry and got to the grocery store, so I'm taking myself to the club to enjoy the pool and catch some rays. Yes, my pool is stiil green. FUCK! The only way to actually be outside right now is to be in the pool... so that's my plan. Judge me if you want to... I don't give a fat fuck. Pool opens in 10 minutes... gotta scramble. 


Happy Thursday...
xoxo
S
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