Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

14 March 2011

SHOCKER!!!!

Holy fuckballs, Batman!!! Are you sitting down??? The troll & cactus actually donated $100 to each of the boys' fundraising sites!!! Could have knocked me over with a feather. I'm positive that it had everything to do with Christopher... I asked him yesterday if his mom had changed her e-mail address. When he asked why, I told him I was  not surprised that she hadn't responded to me, but I was disappointed that she hadn't donated. A couple hours later, the bitch coughs it up. Interesting. Whatever... we'll take it! We're now only $1345.00 from our ultimate team goal of $5000.00.... yeeeehawwwww!!! 


I'm also quite pleased to tell you that Chris has definitely gotten the memo about my 'rules', and is following them to the letter... probably due to fear of death. Thursday night, Finn told me that Rory mentioned to him that Chris was going to take the boys to see Deb on Saturday. As you can imagine, I FLIPPED. It was 11 p.m., but I texted him immediately & asked if that was true. He called me right away and said it was absolutely NOT true, and that he would NEVER go against my wishes. He said that he really wants to continue to be active in the boys' lives, and he knows that if he goes behind my back on anything, he's out. Good. That was a huge relief. Fast forward to yesterday... it's a long story, but the short version is that Reilly claimed that he wanted to have some 'alone time' with Chris & go watch some girls lacrosse game. I was out at Costco & he was positively enraged that I wasn't home so they could leave. We had some choice words, blah blah blah... and he hung up on me. A few minutes later, Chris called & told me that Rei was so pissed because the skank whore's kid was playing in this particular game, and that's why he wanted to go. Not only was he mad at me, he was mad at Chris for refusing to take him. Once again, I thanked Chris for telling me the truth and for sticking to the rules. 


The evening was not fun. Rei came & asked if he could have his phone back... uh, no. Not if you're going to lie to me. I gave him ample opportunity to come clean & tell me truth about the game, but he just wouldn't do it. I finally had to tell him that I knew all of the details & that he was busted. That turned into yet another conversation about why it's completely inappropriate for him to have any sort of relationship with any of those people. He still doesn't see the problem, and I doubt he'll fully understand my point until long after he becomes an adult. Oh well... stickin' to my guns. 


Then things really went south, as Rei had a bit of a breakdown... lots of tears and lots of asking "why did he have to leave??? He said he'd never leave me..." Well shit. That was a fuckin' heartbreaker. It's always so hard to see your kid with their heart ripped out of their chest. He doesn't go the sadness route very often... he generally sticks with anger. The good news is that we had a very long, very soulful conversation about a million things related to the subject. One of the things that I told him, was that as much as it sucks that his dad died, that was only ONE day. Of course we miss him and of course we wish he was here, but let's not diminsh the 41 years that he lived, or the wonderful times that we had, by focusing on that one awful day. That seemed to make a lot of sense to him. He also seemed comforted to know that I still have very dark days. He told me that he thought I was just happy all the time, and he couldn't understand that because HE is so sad. I made sure he knew that I do have dark days... more often than he knows... but I've also been lucky enough to experience true love and pure joy, so I KNOW those things lie ahead for him. I told him that we both need to choose to be happy and to focus on the sunshine. No matter how shitty the storm, the sun always shines again. 


We had a good cry together, a couple of laughs, and some really long hugs. Damn, if it doesn't fuckin' kill me to see this 6 foot tall ape sobbing like a baby. 


One other really nice note about Chris... he made each of the boys a beautiful photo album of David. They both start with his first picture as a newborn, then progress through all of his school pictures, some shots of him in the Navy, and then one on one pics of them with their dad. There were many pictures in there that I'd never even seen. It was so thoughtful of him to do that, and both boys loved them... though Reilly had a hard time looking at his. Fuck... I had a hard time looking at them too. He also brought each of them a completed book of all of the collectible U.S. quarters. It was something David had started after he moved out. Chris found the books and finished them for the boys. Very sweet. I'm SO happy that he seems to be returning to his kind-hearted former self... he was displaying a few too many characteristics of his parents for a while. 


That's it for now... here's one more pic from Saturday. The others are up on Shutterfly now, so take a peek. 
Our fabulous time in Harpers Ferry.




Have a good one...
xoxo
S
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4 comments:

  1. RobinMonday, March 14, 2011 8:55:00 PM

    Wow...that is a shocker that they donated. Even better is that Chris is following the rules! About damn time. My heart is breaking for Reilly. All that anger has to come out in some way. I wish it wasn't in a negative way :(

    aot

    r~

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  2. Collin's Mom CarolineTuesday, March 15, 2011 10:25:00 AM

    WOW. $200 THAT WAS HUGE OF THEM.
    Spunky

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  3. ~Mom~Tuesday, March 15, 2011 1:59:00 PM

    Nice of them to support your fundraising ~ that's all I'll say about that.

    You two make a darling couple! Did Finn get a few more laugh lines for his birthday? Could be he hardly smiled until he met you!

    Poor Rei...Man/Child... You want to protect him, but from what? He needs to know when you are down once in a while so he knows he is not alone in his feelings. He must feel so empty at times. Maybe when he is driving he can take Rory to the trains and take him on the outings that his dad took him on. I could be very special for both of them.

    Anyway, starting to tear up. Not my intention to be sad. I am suppose to cheer you up.

    I love each and every one of you!
    xoxox
    ~AN~

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  4. ToniTuesday, March 15, 2011 5:33:00 PM

    Oh joy, the Sharks play tonight, which means the commute will be a friggin' snail race.The flying monkeys kicked down?!?! Miracles do happen! And Shan, if I told you the recent shit Gina's kids have been into, Jesus, it would make Reilly look like a Cub Scout. Hang in, T.

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