Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

18 March 2011

Happy Friday...

Yo shnoodles... ahhhhhh, Friday. :0) GORGEOUS weather yesterday. Once Finn & Jayden got home, we all took a walk over to the neighbor's pond. The little kids had never been there before, so they had fun exploring. It was quite a challenge to keep Jayden from diving head first into that thing!!! That kid is ALLLLL boy!!! They all played outside for hours... such fun. It's pretty clear that we HAVE to get the damn playset put back together ASAP. 
 Checking out the pond...
 Noodleheads
It was so sweet, and so sad at the same time... Rory pointed to the sky and said, "Mommy!!! I see Daddy in the clouds! He's fishing! Hiiiii Dadddddy!!!!" 

See? Their loss is ever-present. Fuck.

Forgot to mention my latest crazy expenditures... picked up my tummy meds this week for a mere $265.00. I've cut my dose in half so that I don't have to pay that every month... it's just outrageous. I have to get some cuckoo pills tomorrow... those will be about $250 as well. Nice. 
My poor Sully has been ill of late. I started recognizing some signs that he showed when he had a urinary tract blockage a while back. That time, he ended up in the hospital for 8 days. NOT good! I called Tom, my vet of 13 years, told him what was going on and asked if he could help me head off the problem. Bless his heart, he didn't make me come in. Sully is just beginning to show symptoms, so I know he's not as sick as he was before. He prescribed some meds and special food... which he gave me at his cost... and left everything on the porch at his office so I could pick it up after hours. The Sully-man seems to be doing better already. Thank God. Even more than the cost of a hospital stay, I was worried about the impact on Rory. Sully is HIS cat and he's VERY attached to him. I don't think his tender little heart could take another lengthy separation from his buddy. Sullivan has always been the most sensitive of all of the cats. He tends to the others and is basically just a big sweetie. These infections & blockages are brought on by stress, and I think this time, he's been greatly impacted by the losses of Max and Shyla so close together. It might sound stupid, but he always 'took care' of them and I think he really misses them. Tom totally agrees, and thinks the poor cat might even need to be on Prozac. Holy fuckballs!!!! My cat is as crazy as ME!!! AAAGGGHHHH!!!

Tonight is the big St. Patrick's Day Dance at Waterford Elementary. It's the biggest school event of the year and is always lots of fun. We will be getting crazy with the green hairspray for the occasion. I'm SO happy that I'll have my Finn with me this time.... at least he'll talk to me! The other good news is that Reilly is going home after practice with his friend and teammate Patrick, to spend the night. I couldn't be happier, as they have to BE at school at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning for their big spring fundraiser mulch sale. Eew. 

I've got another story to share about someone who SERIOUSLY pissed me off... Rory's principal... but it'll have to wait. Gotta run. By the way... had to skip the club today... I'm in such pain after yesterday's workout that I decided I'd better take the day off. If I don't see some results soon, I'm gonna LOSE IT!!!! 

Have a happy day. :0)
S

***Got to sleep with the windows open last night... SO many frogs singing... I LOVE it!!!
***Check out Shutterfly for Reilly's game pics & a new St. Patrick's Day album. 
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2 comments:

  1. BonnieFriday, March 18, 2011 12:21:00 PM

    Hi Honey!
    The comment from Rory about his daddy being in the clouds fishing just killed me :'( But I actually think it was a good comment...like he recognizes that his dad surrounds him and he can see that. He is just the cutest lil peanut!!
    So exciting that ReiGuy had his first game at the HS!! WOW!! We had high school preview night on Wednesday and I got Katie all signed up for basketball and softball. She will need to start going to open gym this summer for basketball. Between that and her travel team softball practice, she will be BUSY!! She is playing flag football right now for her school. They did an all girls team this year. She has played with the boys the last two years. OMG! The girls are sooooo much more aggressive and ROUGH!! She actually collided really bad with another girl yesterday and her knee was injured. I'm a little worried because she has a softball tournament this weekend and she is praying it gets rained out so she can let her knee heal. I know she is seriously hurting if she WANTS her tournament to get can'd :(
    I am so shocked that D's parents stepped up and donated although I think they could have donated MORE! But atleast it was something!
    I am so happy and proud that Chris seems to really be coming around. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. I tried to comment the other night and I think it didn't go through so can't remember if I actually posted or just thought these things!! hahaha! Man, it's a bitch getting old!! :) Anyhow, back to my point....I was soooooo impressed with the photo albums that Chris made for the boys. I think that was INCREDIBLY sweet and thoughtful.
    Well I better tackly my to-do list for the day!
    Love ya lots and lots!
    xoxo's,
    Bon

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  2. RobinFriday, March 18, 2011 7:14:00 PM

    Seriously? A mulch fundraiser? Here in California, we sell cookie dough and wrapping paper and crap like that :)

    Love the picures. What a change from all the snow pictures.

    Sorry about your kitty...hope he feels better very soon.

    aot

    r~

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