Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

13 March 2011

Beautiful Sunday...

Hey there nimbobs... before I go any further... Miss Bonnie, what a PIG that guy is!!! First of all, it makes me CRAZY when people are that stupid and intolerant, but then to discover that 'Mr. Jesus' was a rapist before he 'found God'???? SO disgusting. Please let me know if that asshat ever shows his face. I'll be on the next plane out to give him a severe ass beating!!! Having said that... LOVE YOU!!!! :0)


So yesterday was Finn's birthday surprise day. :0) Unfortunately, we had to start out with an unplanned dash to the Apple Store because of my shattered phone. Let me say again that I LOVE APPLE!!!! I had another new phone... free of charge... in about 10 minutes. As far as customer service goes, they are right up there with Disney. Two of the VERY few companies that still believe in taking care of their customers. Yahoooooo!


Then it was off to our first birthday surprise.... a massage at Massage Envy. Finn had NEVER had one before, and I thought it was time! Since I still had some pre-paids on their books, I got one too... happy Finn's birthday to ME! He loved it... duh... how could he not? After that, we walked across the street to Wegmans. My plan was to have him pick out whatever yumminess he wanted for lunch, and then take it and have a picnic. The weather was sunny and pretty, but a bit colder than I had hoped for, so we ate lunch right there. No biggie... we still had fun. (Even though I saw yet another Waterford mom that I've known for almost 9 years... came face to face with her TWICE & she pretended I was invisible. Idiot.) I had ordered a cake for my sweetie, so we grabbed it on the way out. It was SO pretty, but the first thing he said to me was, "didn't you go to pastry school?" Ha ha... very funny... yes I did! But the Wegmans cake filled with fresh strawberries is SOOOOO good.... I just had to get one. And I really detest bakery cakes, but from Wegmans???? Yummylicious! 
It's a good thing I took this picture before we left Wegmans... had to jam on the brakes at some point & the cake got mangled! :(

After lunch, we hopped in the car and headed to Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. It's only about 15 minutes from our house. It's such a beautiful little historic town, and that's where I had planned to have our picnic. We decided to have a cake picnic! We've had tons of rain lately, so the rivers are all really high. We put our blanket down right on the banks of the Shenandoah, and just enjoyed the water, the geese and snuggling in the chilly sunshine. And of course, I brought candles and sang to my sweet pea. That cake may have been mangled, but it still ROCKED!
Self-pic of the snugglin' sweeties. :0)
The mangled, yet still deeeelish cake. 

Once the sun started to dip, it got cold pretty quickly. We meandered through town on our way back to the car. It really is a beautiful place. I've been there many times, but not in quite a while. I need to take Rory there. Not only do the coal trains come right through town, but there's a really cool bridge you can walk on, and when you're in the middle of it, you are actually in Maryland, Virginia & West Virginia, all at the same time. :0)

We headed home for a while to do the doggie shuffle & warm up a bit, then decided we HAD to have our favorite hot crab dip at Clyde's. So we headed back down to Ashburn and devoured our tasty treat while listening to live music and geting in some good people watching. :0) Super bonus? We ran into my sweet friends Jan & Heather. I haven't seen them in AGES, though Heather & I have always kept in touch. They have a brand new baby, Isabella, and I even got to lay my eyes on that precious princess. I told Heather that I am, in fact, a fabulous baby whisperer, and would be happy to come and snuggle the little monkey anytime. She has 4 kids... I said I'd even come over just so she could have a nap!!! She said I can come by anytime & I definitely plan to take her up on that! 

All in all, it was a fabulous day. The very best part was just being on our own, since that happens so rarely. 
I'm not sure... can you tell that I luvvvvves him? Oh yeah... he luvvvves me too! :0)

Our Finntastic fun day is definitely over... he's already on the road heading up to get the kids. My monkeys are still with Chris, but should be home any minute. I can't wait to hear all about the dinner cruise. I hope Paige's mom took pictures! I know the kid was lookin' dang sharp... black suit, black shirt & a black tie with hot pink & light pink stripes.... nice! I'm also happy to report that I got NO calls from Chris last night, which tells me that Rory did great. Yahooo!

Gots to go for now... Costco bound. More great pics to come on Shutterfly soooooon. 

xoxo
S
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2 comments:

  1. RobinSunday, March 13, 2011 4:44:00 PM

    Thanks for the update...been checking back all weekend. I am glad you two had such a nice time together. The photos show just how happy you are :)

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. ~Mom~Monday, March 14, 2011 1:17:00 PM

    Love the Lady Baltimore cake. Looks like the Finnster had a great birthday celebration.

    xoxox

    ReplyDelete

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