Passing judgment.... an interesting thing, really. Most people that I know, choose to associate with, etc., will be quick to tell you that they don't judge others. It's a beautiful idea, but for the most part, it's a bunch of bullshit. We all do it... or have done it, in one way or another. I can honestly tell you that I have made a concerted effort to NOT pass judgment on others. It's something I started to work on in myself about 8 years ago, but it's really come in to play in the past 3. (FYI... I DO reserve the right to pass judgment on the troll and cactus, as they are sub-human, despicable creatures. Just sayin'...)
I truly believe that every single person who has ever read my writings, has judged me or my choices at one point or another. I don't mean that in an accusatory way... it's just a fact. It's human nature. Reflect for a moment.... have you ever thought, 'why the FUCK hasn't she sold the Mercedes???'... 'why the fuck hasn't she dumped that house?'... 'why isn't she working yet?'... 'why are Finn and the kids living there?'... 'how come she has unpaid bills... isn't she getting SS death benefits?'... 'why hasn't she sold David's stuff yet?'.... 'what does she do all day?'... I could go on forever. Those might sound like plain ol' run of the mill questions... but they're not. Trust me.... no one on this earth could possibly judge me anymore harshly than I judge myself. The things that swirl around in my own head are far more heinous than anything anyone could ever say to me.
And I think it's pretty clear by now that I don't give a fat fuck what other people think of me. Sure, I'd love to be admired, adored, whatever... but I think that ship has sailed. I'm not sure why I feel the need to say all of this now. I don't know. I certainly don't have anything to prove to anyone either... but I guess I would like for everyone to understand just how hard I work, every single day. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot possibly begin to imagine the mountainous piles of death business that must be handled... still. Under the best circumstances, it's an overwhelming load. With the fucking disaster that David left behind... it's often unbearable. And that's on a good day.... sprinkle in the shit days that appear now and again, and I just want to crawl into a hole.
Got any questions? Ask my mudda. She was here... she saw... she knows. Trying to untangle all of this, keep us afloat, get the kids to school, groups, sports, searching for work, trying to figure out my future, and regular family life stuff... it's alot. I'm not having a pity party... just tellin' it like it is. Time to put dinner on the table & dash out to the lacrosse meeting.
I had no intention of ticking anyone off, but if I did... go piss up a rope! Bwahahahaha!!!! ;-)
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
I totally agree...nobody is as hard on you as yourself...and I mean that for everyone, not just you. I try not to be judgemental but if I am honest with myself, it does happen on occasion. People make snap judgements all the time. I do, however, change my opinions when given the opportunity. I can honestly say my immediate impression of someone doesn't prohibit me from taking the time to get to know them.
ReplyDeleteI hope the lacrosse parent meeting went well and this post is not stemming from some judgemental a-holes making you feel poorly.
aot
r~
Yeah - I am very judgemental. I admit it. I generally am right about people too as far as first impressions go. and I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt and I have changed my mind about initial impressions. I do have those same kinds of questions but, I try do try to leave it alone -except when you start beating yourself up.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I have so much crap going on at home that I just am wrapped up in that.
I am concerned about my Mother in Law and she is a rather manipulating Bi-otch so when Andy calls because he is delaying his eta homeward bound for yet another week, I take it hard. Especially when his kid is graduating in 71 days (not like I am counting or anything) and he is so pre occupied with his Momacita that he is an observer rather than a participant in his children's lives and missing some very important events. OMG the brakes went out in the kids car Monday! I am still freaking out about it. Oh and that LUCKY ME, Collin's crew coach called a 5AM practice this morning! Car was not finished yesterday so I got to get up early and take him to practice - Oh and I was so worried I would not wake up I couldn't sleep tried to catnap in the car - came into work at 06:00 waiting until my coworker shows up hopefully soon - she never comes before 11:30. At least my office is clean and organized! I so need a nap right now!
Anyway Chica - The only opinion that really matters is your own in regard to you! You are walking in your shoes and share with us your opinion and your view so no matter how fair and balanced (to borrow from FOX) it is always going to be your view that you show us and our thoughts and opinions will most likely be skewed in your favor because we do love and adore you and the Skank is the skank the cactus is a cactus and the Troll is a troll for that same reason.
Sending you muchos love, respect, admiration, cheers and all that sister Shannon!!! AOT
Spunky
Hey....
ReplyDeleteNo offense taken. Seriously want to be there to go through all of David's stuff for you. The thing is, YOU know how much he paid for it and you won't be able to recoup the same amount of $$ for it. As far as the Mercedes is concerned, the people who offered to help get rid of it have not. As far as Finn is concerned, never questioned it. I think its a great idea financially AND it is productive AND it makes you happy. So that's my judgement on that. ""Don't wanna do anything that would MAKE Shan happy""(my attempt at sarcasm here). That PRICKly pear and that thing you call a TROLL are letting THEIR short-comings get in the way of loving their grandsons. All I can say is IDOTS!. I can judge them ALL I WANT for what they did to you and to their own flesh and blood.
Tatoos and pink hair? You look sensational....I would look stupid. Judgement? Naw. Makes you more adorable.