Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

27 February 2011

Already Sunday....

Hi monkeys. Reilly had a blast at the Ball last night. He was even crowned king and got the 'Life of the Party' award. I LOVE it. The reason it's a big deal to me is because it's not like he got the award for being a booty shaker. Since it's Cotillion, they handed out beads for having spectacular manners, mingling and talking to many different people, being exceptionally courteous to and respectful of the ladies, engaging those who were standing around alone, asking many ladies to dance, etc. He may act like a neanderthal at home, but I'm telling you, the years he's spent attending Cotillion have turned him into a very confident gentleman. The really great part? He LOVES it. When he started almost 4 years ago, ALL of his friends attended... he knew EVERYONE. They've all dropped out over the years, and there are just 3 of them left. But it's cool, because he's making friends with teens from other high schools all over the county. And as they get older, the activities are becoming increasingly more fun. Next month they're going on a 4 hour dinner cruise on the Potomac. Nice! 


On to lacrosse and the GINORMOUS time commitment.... grrrrr. As for doing his work, the great thing is that the entire school has 1 hour for lunch, all at the same time. And EVERY teacher is in their room and available to the students during that time. They also have a 90 minute FLEX period every other day, and it's basically used to do homework. Except for long-term projects, papers, etc., he generally manages to get everything finished at school. His grades aren't as good as they should be though, and he's been informed that if they slip at all, lacrosse is over. He's going to have to really learn about time management & multi-tasking. I've always been good at those things, but his father SUCKED at 'em. Unfortunately, he's MUCH more like his dad than he is me. I'm definitely concerned about the transportation issue... mostly concerned about the morning work-outs and the 7 a.m. Saturday practices. Eeew. Of course, his ONE friend who has a driver's license didn't make the team. Shit! That would have been a HUGE help. It's just very important to me to continue to have family dinners and our regular evening routine for the little ones. It's gonna be a challenge!


Now I'm off to Target. Have to pick up a few scrips. I'm fairly certain I'm going to have to give them a kidney to pay for the shit... good thing I have TWO of 'em. 


Gorgeous spring-like weather today. Finn is helping his dad build a shed & my mom & da boyz are going out to run a few errands. Maybe I'll have some quiet time to do some beading when I get home. :0)


Happy Sunday.
xoxo
S


***Focus on living a quality life.***
***Take pleasure in giving to others.***
***Grow courage.***
***Stop believing your inner critic.***
-Instant Karma
Bentley... in all his adorbulousness. 
I got some Bentley shnuggles on Friday. :0)
 Anudda one of da kid before Cotillion.
Nerd. Need I say More?
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2 comments:

  1. RobinSunday, February 27, 2011 5:12:00 PM

    Cotillion sounds really nice. I wish we had something like that here. I guess I will have to teach my monkey manners myself :) Good thing he started off polite!

    aot
    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. BonnieMonday, February 28, 2011 11:42:00 AM

    Hi honey....
    Reilly looks so handsome in the pictures. Congrats on his royal crowning...very cool!!
    The earrings and bracelets you made look so pretty. Maybe that's another way to make some money. Do you have arts and wine festivals like we do here? That would be a great place to sell stuff like that.
    I have so much to do today now that the girls are back in school and no energy to do anything!
    Love,
    Bon

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