Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

03 March 2011

Happy Birthday Gram

Today is my Gram's birthday. Sadly, she died in 1992, but there is never a day that I don't think about her and miss her. She was an AMAZING woman who weathered some serious storms in her life. My grandfather died of a heart attack at 50, leaving her to raise 4 children on her own. And that was 1959.... there weren't exactly a lot of resources, support groups or therapists to help her through it. My mom was 15 at the time, and her youngest sibling, my uncle John, was only 4. Somehow, she managed to survive and thrive and raise 4 incredible human beings. She was a woman of great faith and volunteered for everything under the sun. She was so wonderful... it's hard to explain, really. I know everyone loves their grandma and thinks they're the sweetest & the greatest. I have bad news for you though.... my Gram WAS the sweetest, most loving, giving woman on earth. Every single person she met adored her. She was always the favorite aunt to her many nieces and nephews and had a million friends. She was loved and adored by many... and is to this day. Loving you Gram... Happy Birthday. :0)


Had a weird experience at the club this morning. First of all, I KILLED it... quite proud of myself. Anyhoo, I was on the elliptical listening to Pandora on my iPhone, and the song "Faithfully" by Journey came on. That was David's and my song even before we got married. And I started to cry. I think it was the first time that I actually missed him. It took me back to 1989 and brought up a lot of memories. It's odd how things just jump up and bite you in the ass. Grief is such a fluid process, and it has no end. Those feelings really took me by surprise. 


Miss Bobbin.... LOVED your response to my post about judgment... you're right on the money honey! And I think you have the best perspective on it... you recognize that it happens, but you don't let it close you off. You continue to learn and grow. And as far as I'm concerned, the minute we stop learning and growing, we may as well curl up and die. You are an awesome woman, and I adore you! AOT
 My Jammie Day darlings... 3 March
Still my angel baby.

The sports meeting last night was largely uneventful. The first hour was a GIANT waste of time. They had a general meeting in the auditorium for ALL of the spring sports. These bozos droned on and on about information that is ALREADY on the school website!!! AAAGGGHHH!!! The good news? I got to see my friend Elise. Her daughter is running track. We sat together and caught up, as we hadn't seen each other since Rory's birthday in December. I was happy to hear that she is getting married this summer... she and her fiance have only been engaged for 4 years! (Weird side note... Elise & Kevin (her first husband) and David & I all got married on the exact same day at the exact same time... August 10th, 1991. I was getting married at 3 p.m. on the west coast, while she was getting married at noon on the east coast. Bizarre!!!) I also got to sit and chat with my friend Nick. He's the father of Reilly's friend Megan. She really helped him last summer. He spent a lot of time at her house pouring his heart out about David. 

I LOVE this guy Nick... total no shit guy. When we split off for the lacrosse meeting, we sat together. I told him he was playing with fire by sitting next to me... guilt by association... the poor fucker is SURE to be ostracized now! His response? "Oh please... I don't give a shit what these people think." Yeah, he rocks!!! And yes, as has become the norm, I was completely invisible to all of the Waterford parents who have known me since 2002. Assholes. Luckily, I've pretty much gotten used to it, so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. 

I'll tell you what... Reilly had better show me something pretty soon. His grades are not great and his attitude has gotten shittier in the past week. This whole lacrosse thing is such a major commitment... financially, time-wise... all of it. If he doesn't turn it around pretty quickly, I'm gonna pull his ass from the team... and I REALLY don't want to do that. I had a chance to speak to both of the coaches, and they both really like the kid. It's nice to know that he's at least behaving well for them.

Time to go... more pics up on Shutterfly today... take a peek. 

Have a good one...
S


Hi again... it's a couple hours later & I just re-read my post. Need to amend something regarding the Waterford folks ignoring me.... my sweet friend Miss Katharyn is a Waterford peep and has NEVER done that to me. Not only has she gone out of her way to help me in a million ways over the years, she talks to me like a normal person. (Well, she pretends to act like I am normal, which is quite a feat!!!) For that, Miss Kathryn... I thank you. :0) There is also one other mom that I've seen at school activities a few times this year that has always said hello to me. Her voice never fails to have a 'you poor, pathetic girl' lilt to it, and she routinely gives me the hangdog eyes, but I know that she just feels badly and doesn't know how else to act. That's okay... I certainly appreciate that she makes the effort. 
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1 comment:

  1. ToniThursday, March 03, 2011 12:32:00 PM

    Well no wonder Gram was so awesome, she was a Piscean. The cat he done tole me, out dare in da kitchen. Hee. L. T

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