Hey chuckle heads... it's 9:40 a.m. and I've already submitted FIVE resumes this morning!!! If I keep doing this, something good is eventually going to happen... right??? RIGHT??? That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I HAVE to start bringing in some dough... this is making me CRAZY. It doesn't help that Finn is barely hangin' on financially too.... his job just pays absolute shit and he's applying for everything on earth too. We're quite a pair. :0) His dumb bitch ex refers to me as his 'sugar mama'... heeelarious. If she only knew!!! She finally has a full-time job, and all I can say is that she had better start giving him some serious financial support... NOW. At the absolute minimum, she should be paying for Jayden's childcare. That would be a good start. Please, please, PLEASE.... send up a prayer, some positive juju, light a candle... whatever. We BOTH need some great job opportunities, like yesterday.
I've been hanging on to my old iPhone for 8 or 9 months now. I have a friend that's in desperate need of a phone & I offered to give it to him. The only thing on it that's important to me, is a text conversation between David and me. I never deleted any of his texts, so it takes place over the course of more than a year. I even went to the Apple store to have them help me transfer the data, but there's really no way to do that with a text file. So, yesterday I started transcribing it by hand. I started at the end and am working my way backwards. All I can say is, wow. I had no idea how incredibly difficult it would be to go through all of that. I can actually hear his voice in his messages, especially the funny ones. The other thing that amazes me is how incredibly clear his mind seems in his notes. I've only gotten as far back as May 4th of last year.... he was so incredibly ill at that time... it's amazing that he had the presence of mind to say some of the things that he did. Our final text conversation was regarding Father's Day. I'd asked him if he wanted the boys to spend the night on Saturday, so they'd wake up at his house on Father's Day. He was thrilled, and I took them over on Saturday afternoon. He was taken to the hospital via ambulance at about 3 am, and never went home again. It was crazy to re-read those texts, knowing he'd be dead less than 2 weeks later.
Clearly, it's going to take me a while to transcribe a year's worth of texts. I want to have them though, and I also think it will be a nice thing for the boys to read someday. Sure, we had our moments.... but it's very clear in reading through all of it that I always cared about and looked after David, and it's also very evident that he appreciated all of my help.
I've found in the past couple weeks that I am wrestling more and more with the fact that he IS dead. It's just such an incredibly huge concept... I STILL can't completely comprehend it. Fuck... if that's the case for me, imagine what things are swirling around in the boys heads. Ugh.
I guess that's it for now. I hope my Cali peeps get some sunshine soon. :0)
xoxo
S
***FYI... pics from Rei's latest game are up on Shutterfly. :0)
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
I am stuffed. Our CEO gave us a "Thank You" lunch today. The menu was Mexican. Ya, call me a piglet. Would really enjoy a nap right about now. A couple of years ago, Gina, for Chloe's b-day, got tickets for a crew of us to go see the San Francisco Dragons, our pro Lax team. They play at Keezar Stadium. We had a blast. I must admit, I do like to watch those boys bang on eachother. I hope the j.o.b. search yields some funds, and soon. Tell ya what, the MegaMillions is at 304 million dollars. If I win(I have been playing)I will send you a fat check. I know you'll be holding your breath, hee. Hang in Virginia, L. To
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are saving the text messages too.
ReplyDeleteI sewed all morning on Marissa's dress and I just have to do the hooks and eyes and add some embellishments and trims here and there. Those ladies of the 1840's Loved loved loved doo dads!
Sending positive thoughts and good juju your way
AOT
Spunky