Well, that was a pathetic excuse for a night's sleep!!! We were having a monster electrical storm at bedtime, so all 3 of the younger ones were seriously wiggin' out. The dogs were too.... especially Lola & Chloe. Barking, whining, moaning.... ugh!!! We finally got everyone to sleep. Ahhh.... game over, right? NOPE!!!! Leighanna came into our room at 3:15 whining & crying.... then Rory came in at 4:15 whining and crying... and fuckin' Kirby started doing the same damn thing at 5:15!!!! AAAGGGHHHH!!!!! So let's just say, meeee tired!!!!
Reilly has another home game tonight. The team is REALLY pumped... it seems the word has gotten out to the LAX teams around the county that they are BRUTAL. They may not be the best team.... yet.... but they play the hardest!!! Of course, being that lacrosse players are generally neanderthals, they LOVE being known as skull crackers. Lovely.
The weather has returned to shiz... very cold and rainy. I don't mind it, unless I have to be outside watching a lacrosse game with the wind howling & making it rain sideways. Eew. I'm seriously hoping that the rain dies down before game time. Unless there's lightning, they'll play. That's the beauty of having an artificial turf field... no worries about tearing it up. It's funny, the other schools around the county are SO anxious to play on the turf that we only have 3 away games all season. And sometimes we have 3 games in a week!
Finn is taking the kids up to their mom's this afternoon. She's finally agreed to have them for a couple of days, so Leighanna is going to miss school tomorrow to take advantage of that fact. I'm trying to find someone to watch Rory tomorrow night so Finn & I can go out. He got Outback & movie gift cards from my mama for his birthday, and we'd love to have a date night. Reilly has big plans to go to Patrick's, so that's out. Shit!
I have to confess something.... I was in a serious funk yesterday and decided to indulge in some retail therapy. I have been beyond blessed to receive gift cards for my birthday & Christmas, and even St. Patrick's Day, and I save them forEVER before I use them. Well, yesterday felt like a good day to use a couple of 'em. I got a new pair of workout pants and a jacket at the Gap Outlet. Yay! Workout clothes are pretty much my uniform these days, so those will get some serious use. The other thing I got was a MAJOR indulgence.... something I've NEVER had before... my very first (and most likely last) Coach bag. It's beauuuutiful and I LOVE it!!!! It was on super duper clearance and my gift card more than covered it. True, 'things' are not important... but it sure felt good to treat myself to something. :0) I have missed shopping so much... like Carrie bradshaw said, "shopping is my cardio!" ;-) It was tough for me to admit to that purchase.... don't shit on me for it please!!!
The daily shiz awaits... better hop to it.
Love ya...
S
***Hey To... FYI... Costco has a TON of new Skechers Shape Ups for 50 bucks. Lots of colors and styles... thought you might want a heads-up for Cook. :0)
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Sometimes the most "meaningless" activities are the most rewarding. It's funny how different people's ideas of value can be. A gentleman I work with closely saw me drawing the other day and told me I was wasting ink. I wasn't pissed, it just made me acutley aware of how different value-systems can be. I guess the rainy days are beginning to soak through the fro and water-log my brain. Anyhoo Shanny, I am pleased to hear Reilly is on a happy streak, and I am sad you all are continuing to deal with so many emotions. I suppose the kids are alot like my puppies; sometimes I love them so much I could just squeeze them to death, and sometimes I could just squeeze them to death. Too bad you are going to miss the tattoo expo at the Cow Palace.....oh yeah, and Brittany Spears performing in The Castro. Hee. Hope you and Finn are able to get out and enjoy yourselves. I am sure it is long over due. L. To
ReplyDeleteCook says thanx for the tip on the shoes. Oh how she loves shoes. Hee.
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