Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

22 March 2011

Better....

Hi monkeys... happy to report that I did in fact, pull out of the funk yesterday. I got a wee nap in the afternoon... KEY after giving blood... and then raced out to Reilly's game. He did SO much better last night. He was really present in the game this time, and seriously played his ass off. The team did much better as a whole too. We still lost... 6-4... but they are definitely pulling together as a team. I left the game with a sore throat... too much screaming and cheering for our Wolverines!!! :0) I also have a totally obnoxious cow bell that is FAB. My sweet Finn even went to the trouble of coming to the game with the kids after a particularly long day at work. I SO appreciate that he is showing Reilly his support. The kid continues to fight it, but eventually he'll see that Finn IS on his side. 


Reilly's new idol, Mrs. B., was at the game too. We spent a lot of time talking again... did I mention that I just LOVE her??? She told me something that gave me some serious hope as far as Reilly is concerned.... she said that Reilly sent her an e-mail on Sunday thanking her for welcoming him into her home, and for helping him get into the tech forum. She said that it was such a beautiful letter that it made her cry. She thought I'd put him up to it!!! Wow. She's clearly made a huge impression on him already. Meeee likey. She calls him 'little Einstein' and it makes him all gooey inside. :0) To have an adult that's not his mom believe in him so much is HUGE for him. 


I also got to visit with Patrick's mom a bit. I just adore these two families and I couldn't be happier that Reilly has hooked up with them. Yes... a blessing for sure. 


Rei's 2 besties, Dani & Julia, came to the game again. Since he did such a great job, I took them out for a post-game bite again. It was so fun, and I love seeing him be so happy with his friends. LOVE these girls... they're AWESOME. 
 Get 'em Rei!
The cutie patootie LAX crew.

I've already sent out a couple resumes today... time to get back to it. Still sending love & hugs to Elaine & Terry. :0)

Make it a good one...
xoxo
S

***Bonus.... beautiful weather again last night... got to fall asleep listening to my froggies singin' in the creek. :0)

***Simply soak up the day.***
***Do the things that make you feel good about yourself.***
***Be a good friend.***
-Instant Karma

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2 comments:

  1. BonnieTuesday, March 22, 2011 11:26:00 AM

    Can't believe someone would be so rude as to tell you to take them off the mailing list!!

    I'm still curious to hear the story about Rory's Principal.

    I love that Reilly is making such great choices about who to hang out with. I especially LOVE that he has another adult offering him such support.

    Love ya lots and lots!!
    Bon

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  2. RobinTuesday, March 22, 2011 5:14:00 PM

    How is it that I live in California and our weather is just awful as of late and you live in Virgina where not to long ago you had snow, now your weather is beautiful? Don't get me wrong...happy for you but my toes hate being in shoes and they need sunshine NOW!

    Glad the LAX game went better. It takes time for a team to gel. Rory looks pretty happy with the crew too :)

    That is awesome Reilly wrote an e-mail to Mrs. B! Very mature of him. You can tell she made an impression on him and that is HUGE! Hopefully on days when he is troubled and cannot express himself properly to you, he can turn to her. It never hurts to have another person to lean on. I am glad Patricks parents are nice too...you need some good people at these schools!

    aot

    r~

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