Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

29 May 2011

Yep.... I'm a fuckin' rockstar...

Just in case you were wondering, yes, I AM a rockstar... I've still GOT IT, baby!!! Friday night, Finn's at work... we do our regular pizza & movie night and the kiddos were happy as clams. And then it was bed time... ruh roh. Jayden happily followed me up the stairs, let me clean him up & put on his jammies. I gave him a snuggle and put him in bed. NOT A FUCKIN' PEEP OUTTA THE KID!!!!! Yep.... serious gloating ensued. I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. :0) My poor Finn got off work a little early... ended up getting home at 11 p.m. instead of getting off then. 4:30 a.m. to 11p.m.???? That is one MO FO of a day. Then yesterday, he was up at the crack of dawn's ass working outside. I ran up and borrowed a zero-turn from John, so both he and Reilly mowed at the same time and knocked it out pretty quickly. We still have tons of weeding and edging to do, but it looks a zillion times better. He was also back at dealing with the pool filter. The guy is a fuckin' workhorse!
The water still isn't crystal clear, but it's getting better every minute!

As if he hadn't already done MORE than enough for the day, he then decided to tackle the playset. It used to be absolutely beautiful... cost us 5000 bucks. But then a tornado tore through our yard about 5 years ago and ripped the thing apart. Big shocker, David promised Rory for AGES that he'd fix it... but he never did. 
Can you believe this guy?????

Clearly, it's going to take a ton of work to return it to it's former glory, but if anyone can do it, my Finn can. He's hoping to get far enough along with it today to get the slide back on. I have no clue how he'll find the energy to do that though.... he was out there until 9:00 last night and then had to leave for work again this morning at 4:30. Fuckin' hell!!!

I had a lovely little exchange this morning... with the stupid whore known as the kids' mom. Miraculously, her 'schedule changed' so she planned to come get the kids this morning and keep them until tomorrow night. That was the plan, but you know nothing ever goes according to plan with her. I met her outside so that we could have a wee chat. I told her that we needed to have a discussion about finances. I was very pleasant, but of course, she was not pleased & told me that it wasn't my business and she'd speak to Roy about it. I made sure she knew that it most certainly is my business, as " I am co-parenting her children and they have been living in my home for 7 months"... 7 months in which she has given Roy ZERO financial support. She didn't say much... she knows she's completely in the wrong. I asked her if she realized how lucky she is... how lucky the kids are, to have him for a dad. Then I got the ol' "I'm not talking to you about this... I'll be back when Roy is home." Uh, no.  Then she starts giving me the sob story about how hard she works, but she doesn't have any money... blah blah blah. I said, "well, you must be doing at least okay, because I see that your nails are beautifully done". Hmmm... she no likey. Whatever... long story short, it was not pretty. To top it off, she said she was taking the kids to lunch and then would be bringing them back. Oh. My. God. Do you know what she said to Roy last night??? "I can't keep them overnight.... what am I supposed to do with them?" They're your children!!! Be their fucking mother for 5 minutes!!!!! Aaaaggghhhhh!!!! She makes me insane. So I guess they'll be back in a little bit... who the fuck knows. 

I'm running to the pool store to get even more chemicals, then a couple other quick errands and back home to deal with the yard. Eew. Reilly is working until 8 tonight and Finn & I had planned to go to a movie, but it looks like that idea's shot to shit. Awesome. At least the yard is shaping up. 
Better than it's looked in a long time. :0)

I hope you're enjoying the weekend. 

xoxo
S

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1 comment:

  1. Nicole MasonMonday, May 30, 2011 12:42:00 PM

    The pool and yard look awesome!!! I must get motivated today to get some stuff done here. One of my lovely dogs chewed the area rug in the living room, so replacing that... The rug is about 7 years old and with 4 dogs through here, 3 of which are still here it needs to be refreshed. Then maybe more spring cleaning....ugh....

    Your Finn is Fantastic Finn! Love that he is so handy!! My hubby is like that as well. I am always so amazed by what he can do! Sometimes it is just about finding the time - which can be frustrating :-)

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