Yes... the word of the day is exhausted. I'd really love a nap.... a dirt nap, preferably. Fuckin' hell.... I finally get one of the kids at least sort of squared away... Reilly is totally rising to the challenge of having a job. He's been extra helpful around the house and has been pretty pleasant in general. It's a wonderful change after months and months of such hideous surliness, that I didn't even want to see his face. So of course, now it's Rory's turn. He had an EPIC meltdown last night. Seriously, I don't think he's had one that severe since right after David died. We're talking 90 solid minutes of screaming, kicking, throwing and breaking things, hitting me, saying hateful things... you name it. He was hysterical. What triggered that happy episode? He couldn't find his soccer socks. Great. He doesn't know the date that David died... I'm not sure he even realizes it was June. But I honestly believe that he feels the anniversary looming. I learned through support groups that this kind of thing is innate... the body just knows it. I'm having all kinds of nightmares and extra anxiety attacks, so why shouldn't he? It's just so completely exhausting... and heartbreaking at the same time. Luckily, the storm finally passed and he was smiling and happy by bedtime... so then it was my turn to fall apart. I must have laid there and cried to Finn for over an hour.
You know what I fucking HATE???? When people say 'everything happens for a reason'. BULLSHIT. There was a time when I, myself was one of the morons who spouted that shit. But really, can you tell me the reason that my boys have to gow up without their daddy? What's the reason that they have to suffer so horribly? What's the reason that they will be forced to bear this pain for their entire lives??? There ISN'T one.
I'm feeling like a raw, bloody, exposed nerve, and I'm guessing the lil kid is too. I'm just so tired. Tired of the continuous emotional upheaval of the boys. Tired of the nightmares. Tired of worrying about money. Tired of feeling overwhelmed. Tired of dodging creditors. Tired of getting letters from attorneys. I'm tired of it all. Because of that, I am giving myself a gift today.... I'm taking a few hours off. The club pool opens at 10:30 and I plan to lay there like a giant pile for a few hours. I didn't tell anyone at home... keeping this one all to myself. I literally never get to sit still and just be... there is always something that needs tending to. Well, for a couple hours today, the only thing I'll be tending to is moi. Selfish? Yep. Necessary? Definitely.
Have a good one.
S
***Extra special love & hugs to my Auntie Nut. Hope you are recovering well & will be feeling like your old self IMMEDIATELY!!!!! Love you... xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
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