Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

07 March 2011

Yet another Monday

To answer your question Auntie Nut... NO... it appears that I don't deserve a fuckin' break... EVER! Ugh. So Saturday I REALLY wanted Reilly to be able to attend that lacrosse team BBQ. He really didn't deserve to attend a social funtion, but I WANT him to have the whole experience. But as usual, he made it impossible for me to let him go. The only thing I told him to do that morning, was to call me every 90 minutes to 2 hours and just check in with me. They were committed until 2:30. I gave him ALL DAY... until 2:15, and he NEVER called. Fucker. So I drove my ass over there and picked him up. And again... he refused to take responsibility for his fuck-up. INFURIATING!!! He is convinced that it's ALL me... that I'm just a huge bitch and that I don't want him to do well or participate. Puhhhleeeez. 


As soon as we got home, he asked to have his phone back. Hellloooooo..... cement head.... get a CLUE!!! I think one of the things that is really pissing him off, is that when I give him a warning or dole out punishment for something, I actually stick to it. I follow through.... bummer for him. His dad SUCKED at that. He would make these enormous threats that he couldn't possibly follow through on. When Rei played travel soccer, anytime there was an issue he'd say, "if you don't... whatever... I'm pulling you from soccer and you'll never play again!!!"  or "I'm getting rid of the x-box forever!" or one of my personal faves... "I'll pull you out of school and homeschool you myself!" Hey moron... you can only threaten things that you're actually willing to do. We went round and round about his ridiculous threats more times than I can count. And of course, in his final year, he wanted to appear to be Super Awesome Fun Dad, so he let both of them get away with murder. Thanks assbag.


The yard ape fell asleep after his rough workout. Mom... you'll be very happy to know that I DID wake him up and he joined us for family dinner. He is constantly telling anyone who'l listen that he hates Finn & the kids... he hates our home life... eic. Funny... he was pleasant and happy and sweet at dinner, playing around with all of the kids and generally being very chatty. He's. Gonna. Kill. Me. AAAGGHHHH!!!


On Sunday, he decided that he wasn't 'going to be stuck in the house all day'. Oh really??? And what the FUCK makes you think you'll be out and about playing Social Director with your friends??? Uh, no. I didn't have any pressing errands to do, but I left the house for a while in an attempt to force him to be helpful. I instructed him to help his brother make his leprechaun trap for school, and to make him lunch. Good news, he did great! Until I got home, that is. He came at me wanting his phone again. When I told him that not only would he have to earn it back, but that he'd be earning it a little at a time... i.e.... I'll be removing texting from his plan & I'm going to restrict the numbers that he can call. As you might imagine... that news did NOT go over well. He called me every name in the book, told me that I'm manipulating him, etc. I made sure to tell him that no, I'm not manipulating you... I'm punishing you and expecting you to make changes and earn your privileges back. He NO happy. Boo fuckin' hoo. 


I must really love my Finn or something, because he convinced me that we should take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese's for dinner. It had been pouring rain all day and he wanted to take them to do something fun. Clearly, with my crazy germophobia, that is NOT a place I like to be. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. But I wanted to do something fun for the kids too, so I agreed. I asked Reilly if he wanted to join us and surprise... he gave me tons of attitude, blah blah blah. In the end, he did go with us and SHOCKER... he had a blast playing games with the kids. Just one more piece of evidence that he does enjoy the kids and he does enjoy doing things as a family. He even spent a lot of his time escorting Jayden around... on his OWN! We didn't ask him to do that. He and I had a very good talk on the way home, so at least we ended the weekend on a high note. What will today bring? I haven't a clue. 


I did get a little bit of good news the other day.... both boys were awarded scholarships to play their sports, so at least I saved that 350 bucks. I'l take it! I also secured a car pool spot for Reilly to come home from practice every night. The only night I'll have to drive will be Fridays. Sweet! I'm still trying to get help for the Tuesday & Thursday morning workouts, as it'll be impossible for me to drive then. I have to leave the house with the little ones at the exact time that Rei is supposed to be at school. Yup... a problem. I also got Rei a ride to and from Cotillion this Saturday. Thank God, as it's the dinner cruise in DC from 6:30-10. 


This Friday is my sweet Finn's birthday. Yes... he'll be all of 31 !!! How CRAZY is that??? He refuses to give me any gift ideas, so instead I've planned a fun adventure day for us on Saturday. I don't think he ever reads this shit, but just in case, I'll keep the deets to myself. :0) 


I applied for a slew of jobs over the weekend and did a lot of research about certification programs I'm interested in attending. It'll be really hard for me to make any of those happen though, as the time commitments all seem to conflict with either drop-off or pick-up school hours, or both. Shit. Time to resume the job search. Have a good one. 


xoxo
S


***FYI... Both Rory and I have surpassed our fundraising goals, but Reilly's page is seriously lacking. Please pass along his website info to anyone who might want to donate. Thanks!
www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/reilly-streight


***Be bold in life.***
***Laugh long and loudly.***
***Remember that your character matters more than your reputation.***
-Instant Karma
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4 comments:

  1. ~Mom~Monday, March 07, 2011 6:24:00 PM

    Just look forward to Finn's birthday. However, it will make the week seem soooo looonngg.....

    Just as well David's camp hasn't returned emails. No sense bugging that hornet's nest.

    xoxox
    an

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  2. ToniMonday, March 07, 2011 8:55:00 PM

    Two words, WORK SUCKS. I know, I probably shouldn't be saying stuff like that while you are searching. The van I use at work overheated today. I was a couple blocks from my destination when the "check gauges" light came on. Never seen a "check gauges" light before in my life. Not surprising, considering the models my pocket book has allowed me to drive. So, I checked the gauges(I'm not a total idiot) and, indeed, the temperature gauge was, well, let's just say, it was on fire. I was so close to work I just drove it in. As soon as I was able, I e-mailed the appropriate fool in charge of the vans. HOWEVER, these people are trying to imply it was some how my fault the van is fucked up. "It's all screwed up. It's making all kinds of funny noises." Really? First I noticed anything was wrong is when THE LIGHT CAME ON, BITCHES. Um ya, last I checked, mechanic is not in the job description. It just pisses me off that they would try to imply I had anything to do with how that Molester Mobile runs. Please, the only "noises" I heard were coming from the stereo. What-the fuck-ever. I'm just afraid if they press the issue I will go all "Charlie Sheen" on their collective asses and end up getting a job with the state in the Unemployment Division. Well, on the bright side, I only have 25 YEARS LEFT TO WORK! Although, if things keep up this way it might not be where I am now. Bitchfest 2011. Tell Reilly if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass, he'll have to come stay with me and get an up close look at life after shitty grades. I'm just having so much damn fun!!!! Peace out Girl Scout, T.

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  3. Collin's Mom CarolineTuesday, March 08, 2011 1:08:00 PM

    Hey Chica;

    I am greatful for the job I have but it still sucks big time. I never thought that having such a laid back boss would mean he also would not be an asshole but somehow I am wrong and my boss is a total jack ass. I mentioned before I think, that the company we do titles for are in a wee bit of trouble due to some relationship with a lebonese money launderer ponzy scheme and drug trafficing. suffice to say that customs and many other NATIONAL FEDERAL agents are watching closely while they behave like roaches when you flip on the lights. The one asshole actually had the nerve to call me so I would not forget to process the titles which came in yesterday.......What did SNL do oh yeah! DUH!!!! Processing titles is all the "F#$% I do so what would make this day any different. Really I don't give a flying F$%@ when they clear customs but my job is the same every day- take out staples, make copies, staple, high light, add to transmittel, take to customs. Day in and Day out. So the asshole calls my boss and I just had to look up at my boss and turn my head and say, "REALLY? you are reminding me to do what?" If he bothered to look at what the hell I am doing he would have seen for himself I was in the middle of the project." ASS HOLE - Seriously...What a freaking Jack Ass. I did get a job offer from another company. The guy is so excited he told my boss I am coming to work for him - not a smooth move exlax. Clearly the new boss may be a jack ass too! So long as they pay me I DON'T CARE! I need to learn how to use my shuffle and just shut them all the hell out! Seriously, I went to College and for what? I know you are all freaky about Rei's grades but....They are his grades and pretty soon he is going to figure that little fact out. Right about the time he needs you to allow him to get his driving permit.....and since he is not on honor roll you are welcome to use the "our insurance won't insure you unless you are on the good student discount and you need to be on honor roll for me to even think about adding you to my USAA policy...then say nothing else. All his little friends will be driving and he will not be....not even have a permit...then all his little friends will have cars and he won't even have his license - Oh go the distance with the NO "C's" clause...Collin mastered being a High "B" student and always be on AB honor roll and Dean's list w/o actually getting Any "A's" he just does MINIMUM EFFORT to stay on AB HONOR ROLL. Because you can't ROLL without being on the ROLL.....Life sucks but since we did the No driving with C's and no driving w/o being on the Honor Roll I have not once had to bitch at him for his grades, it is all up to him.

    BRAVO too Chica for following through! I stand and applaud you! It does take a lot of backbone to say and mean what you say and I am very proud of you CHICA!! VERY PROUD INDEED!

    move, prayers and AOT
    Spunky

    ReplyDelete
  4. ToniTuesday, March 08, 2011 8:51:00 PM

    yoothefuckhoo...........................

    ReplyDelete

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