I got a note from a friend today that I really want to share. She tried to post it, but it didn't work. She sent it to me via Facebook and she has some very painful truths to speak. She had just come across that article I posted from HelloGrief.org, and this is what she had to say:
Hi Shannon. I just rediscovered your blog and read a few entries. I'm so sorry that you are all still suffering, though I'm not surprised. This article is spot on. We are about to go through the 19th anniversary of Paul's mom's death (murder) and it is still extremely painful. Some people don't understand that it is not something that gets easier with time. You will have your good days and happy times but it never goes away. There is no expiration date. Even as new lives begin, there is still a huge hole in everyone's lives. When I had Isabel and then Dylan, I was happy to be giving Paul a new person to love but it was also one more person who would miss out on Martha's love. You and especially the boys will always have that void. You will always feel it. They will always feel it and their kids will go through it too. The good news is, there is life after death and there are lots of good days ahead, trust me on this!! As time goes by you will all have more good days and it is those happy times that get you through the rough spots. I still can see how very raw it is for Paul though, I'm not going to lie. Some moments he can really go there and feel it like it was yesterday. I'm sure it will be the same for you and your boys. I'm so sorry and I wish there WAS an expiration date for grief. Your family is always in my prayers. Love, Mary
It's not like I was happy to know that Paul continues to wrestle with the loss of his mom so many years later, but it does validate what I've been saying. Some of this shit will never go away. Yes, I am blessed in many ways... I have my boys, my incredible Finn, and his 2 kiddos that round out our new family. There has been much laughter, and much joy and I pray that there is still more to come. Unfortunately, none of that can take away the waves of shock, sadness, anger, fear and grief that continue to wash over us. Just sayin...
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Andy still struggles with the loss of his dad. I know when he is having a hard day because he wears his dad's class ring on those days. I need to remind myself to be gentler on those with a close loss. I guess my belief in that those who have passed haved entered into joy in the company of God is not a belief shared by all. I do not fear death because I do want to enter into joy. It is hard for those left behind. I will try to remind myself to be gentle.
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Spunky