Yo peeps... all 2 or 3 of you who actually still read this shit... today was like most of my weekdays of late. I spend the vast majority of my day rotating between the stove, the sink the dishwasher the vacuum and the laundry room... and I never feel like I get a damn thing accomplished!!! The weird thing is that it never used to bother me... I positively reveled in doing all of those mundane household chores that most people hate. It always gave me such pleasure to be a homemaker... I loved it. But now, I always feel like I should be doing more... be doing something else to change my situation. I search for jobs everyday and apply where I can... submitted my resume twice today. I've even started posting things on Craigslist to sell, so it's not like I'm out gallivanting with the ladies who lunch and getting a weekly mani/pedi... but it feels like I'm just running in place... like I'll never actually get anywhere. Case in point... I came home today to discover ANOTHER shut-off notice from NOVEC. Seriously??? I just paid them 500 bucks on SATURDAY!!! So I call the mung wads and yes, that payment WAS applied to my account, but I owe them SO much money that they want another payment by tomorrow or they're shutting off the power. Fuckin assbags. What would I do if I didn't have my mom helping me out??? I'll tell you... I'd be sitting here in the dark, getting fucked 6 ways to Sunday. I also find it pretty amusing, being that they'll only ALLOW you to pay a maximum of 500 bucks at a time. They just want a reason to assess even more late fees so they can continue to screw me to the wall. Bunch of fuckin cum bubbles.
I have been wanting to sit still and play with my beading stuff EVERY DAY since last Thursday. I finally got everything out this afternoon. It's been sitting on my bed since about 3. Nope... never got a chance to get my hands on it. Fuck.
The only good news is that I've been busting ass at the club every morning. :0) If I don't end up lookin' HAWT by the time this 10k is over, I'm gonna be really pissed.
No other news at the moment. Tojo... I'll give you a fabulous piece of advice you've shared with me on numerous occasions: FUCK 'EM IN THE NECK!!!! What douchebags. Wait... are you sure you don't work for NOVEC???
Gots to go... 9 pm... must mean it's time for another round of the doggie shuffle and load number 6 of laundry. I know.... you're jealous. :0)
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
"Running in place." I feel ya. T.
ReplyDeleteI think what you are feeling is common in what many of my friends are feeling that have been laid off. It's like they feel the need to do everything in order to feel like a contributor. It never feels like enough. Try to be easier on yourself. Nobody thinks your being lazy by any means. Most days I feel like I am spinning my wheels between getting the kids up and ready, off to school, woring in the class before heading to work then picking up the kids are shuffling them to practices then home to make dinner and try to keep this place in order. I never feel caught up. When I do have a spare moment, I often don't feel like I know what to do with it. My friend and I have decided we are going to take a class. I am sure you remember Teri posting some beautiful stained glass on FB. My friend and I are going to take a class where Teri does. Sometimes you just have to take a time out and do something for yourself. So if a load of laundry has to wait, let it wait. Take a moment and chill with the beads. It will make you feel better :)
ReplyDeleteaot
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Hey Shan,
ReplyDeleteWas out of town this weekend and just now catching up on your blog. You are a great mom and kudos to you for sticking to your guns!!
As you know, Krista had her baby on sunday. She had to have a c-section, but after much pleading with the drs and nurses she was paroled tonight and is home. She is in Phoenix now and I am so bummed I can't see the little munchkin! Headed down there the 1st weekend of April. She isn't ready to post pictures yet of Mackenzie but will make sure to forward to you when she does. She has a ton of dark hair and little tiny eyebrows :-D
Finally got a chance to head over to the boys' fundraising sites, sorry i am not able to more!
Cheers,
Nicole
Hey Shannanigans; I am jealous. I never did get to the laundry this past weekend and working wears me out even as mundane as this job is. Yesterday was FAT Tuesday and today is ASH Wednesday. I really wanted to go to church today but I remembered after I got dressed and I am wearing a girl scout shirt and jeans which isn't really appropriate. I can't think what to give up for lent. I may give up sweets but if so I blew it this am when one of my ship agents brought in donuts and insisted I try one. with my fricken muffin top bulging over my jeans - really hawt I know!!!
ReplyDeleteI got checked for glaucoma yesterday. I have not been checked for it before. I didn't know it was hereditary. I don't have it. The doc also didn't tell me I would be blind after either. They did the drops that dilated my eyes then later I could not see to write the check! Wow- it sucks to be blind. I could drive but not read any of the street names. It was Horrible!
I have a new appreciation of my vision.
Shannon - Everything you accomplish whether it is a job app or laundry is an accomplishment. I am proud of you for doing it! I know it sucks to feel like you are not doing anything to get ahead. Try making a list of shit you have to do at night and do it the next day. It helps.
Much love, prayers and always AOT
Spunky